Decorating December

I have about 15 minutes before my next batch of cookies is done....

One more Christmas celebration!

What a month this has been! I SO enjoy many parts of the holiday season, and some parts, not so much.

This year we cut back on buying - just bought for "the kids" in the family. I have to say, I really missed buying for the adults AND wrapping all the presents. I just love wrapping!
And it's fun searching out that perfect gift for people, maybe it's the challenge, and then the great satisfaction when you finally find it!?

We've had a great time with our nephews, and cousins, and trying to help them with their new toys and games.

So far I feel like I've kept myself together and have tried not to dwell on the thoughts in the back of my head... like, aww, i wish i was buying for my own little boy or girl...

It did take me a while to get in the holiday spirit though. I told my husband Jesse that i did not want to put up a tree this year. or decorate.

He kept prompting for us to get out the Christmas stuff.. so we finally did.

I didn't really care about putting up the tree still though.. I just didn't feel like getting into all the "stuff" of Christmas. All the "baggage" and formalities.

And I was feeling a bit down, a little blue..

However, my hubby put up the tree.. he even put on christmas music one night and started decorating the tree!! SO of course I just couldn't resist at that point..

Sometimes I just need a little encouragement i guess. But I also realized that the world wasn't going to fall apart if I didn't put up decorations. And I was okay with letting that go this year..
And we didn't HAVE to put them ALL up - and didn't!!

So anyway - that was my decoration drama.

What else.. ?

I did go to the Open Arms Memorial Service for lost infants and miscarriages. A friend and I ventured out, in the cold, in our anxiety, our nerves, our painful memories, our broken hearts, our weary spirits... all to pay tribute to our little lost babies, to let them know we love them, we long for them, we will always remember them, and to hopefully heal our souls a little bit.



I didn't really have a hard time until we lit our candles and then they said to blow them out..
"I was like, what? I don't want to blow it out.." it had somehow made me feel closer to my little ones..the warmth and glow, the light, the "realness" of the candle representing them..

I didn't know what to say when we had to go up to the mic and say the name of your lost baby, and pick an angel ornament off the little tree.

We hadn't named either of our babies, and I didn't want to say like baby stephenson 1 and baby stephenson 2!! And I'm not one for public speaking, but thankfully they had someone up there to say the name if you wanted. So I had her say "Baby Stephenson" and in my head just hoped that it would be okay, and that would be representing both losses.

I'm glad I went this one time, but probably wouldn't go again.

I've been talking to Jesse about doing some testing to see if we can find out why i am miscarrying. and then maybe try fertility treatments again - either the myofascial release or the fertility drugs. we'll see.

I've also been praying about the option of adopting. I think i would like to someday, but not sure if that's supposed to be our next step, or farther down the road.
who knows!?!?!

Well, I hope everyone has a Great New Years! I'm looking forward to a brand new year!
I'll try to post more. I've been avoiding the computer totally. I felt like I had a technology overload for a while.

the start of a rough couple days..

Today was difficult.

I found out a co-worker's wife passed away after a long illness. Even so, even though we knew it was bound to happen, it was heart breaking!!!

I really didn't know her, except what he had said about her, but I felt like I knew her.. and you could see that he adored her.

Tears were sneaking up on me all day.. Even reading the sympathy cards, and walking through the store.. it was the love they shared that radiated from him that had touched me so, and the loss he must feel..

There is nothing we can do to prepare for a loss like that.

It scares the crap out of me!

So that pretty much set me on my emotional roller-coaster of a day.

This Thursday night is the Open Arms Memorial Service for lost infants and pregnancies.

Late morning I found out that the deadline for submitting any special words or poems, etc, was today at noon..so i decided to try and write something while at work, which probably wasn't a good idea but I REALLY wanted to submit something. I did it, glad i did, but that contributed to the roller coaster I was on..

I muddled through work. Feeling kinda "off" today - not sure if it's stress or what!? But really, physically feeling off.

My tummy gets swimmy and anxious, and my head gets light and fuzzy when i think about going on Thursday, but I really think it will be a good thing.

It's hard to face things you know will make you sad. But i guess it's part of the healing process, part of life.

I hate that death is a "part" of life.

I of course believe that there is something much more wonderful on the other side of this life... but I guess it's the fact that others are leaving with out us,
that we don't know exactly what's there, or what they are doing,
how we are to continue without them, or how much longer til we can see them again..
or sometimes meet them for the first time....

hmm. my heart is heavy tonite.

Thanksgiving Festivities Week

I am finally starting to come down from the high of this week's festivities..

We dropped off my sister and her fiance today at the airport.. :(

..sniff sniff..

They are in the air as we speak, headed back to sunny California

(i'm sure they are happy to shed their coats! Especially since the ones they had to wear were Jesse & I's semi-matching coats that we got from his grandma last year.... hee hee. since theirs were inconveniently still in new york since -oops- they didn't think they'd need them in Cali!)

We really enjoyed them being here and staying with us this past week. My sister is a 'twin soul' to me! I would love for them to be here on a permanent basis, but, I know her heart is elsewhere..

I have to say Thanksgiving festivities were awesome this year. We had THREE this year!!! (not all in one day)

Wednesday night my hubby and I had a wonderful dinner out with my mom and brother, sister and fiance.

This was in lieu of a "traditional" thanksgiving dinner since there were already so many other plans on Thursday. I am SO thankful that my mom is willing to bend her schedule and create new traditions with us, and for us..

I totally understand that others aren't able to change around thanksgiving meals and cater to jesse and I and that is perfectly fine so please don't think anything of it.

I am just happy we can see (almost) everyone in our crazy thanksgiving whirlwind and am thankful for understanding family.

(there are still others we don't get to see, so we'll just have to plan a post-thanksgiving bash!!)

(my mom isn't really that short, she is sitting on a stool... but my 14 year old brother really IS that tall!!!!! He is actually leaning over! oh where did my "little" brother go???)

Thursday we had lunch with my dad and stepmom's family - where my sister's fiance Jeff was introduced to pretty much all our family. I have to say, I think he was a hit!

Of course I already thought he was great, but it is SO nerve racking meeting family, especially future in-laws, but he made it.... shew!

OH - AND my dogs liked him so that was the big test! :)

Our Second (and final) stop on Thursday was at my husband's grandma's house.. where I take part in the annual coloring of a paper turkey coloring page with his younger cousins (ages 6 & 8)

This year we made it like a "real life" turkey, on a farm. And later we drew a poster of an "alien turkey" on mars! :) Always fun!

SO Yea, Talk about stuffed!!!!

We are totally eating veggies only the rest of the week .. well .. after we eat all the left overs we scored first!! :)

SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!

Tis the Season to be Thankful

I got a call back from the lady at the support group. She said they meet in the "Community Relations Room" but it is off-site!

So, me, the very directionally challenged individual that I am.. did not pay attention to the physical address listed.. I just assumed that the hospital was the location.

I will need to mapquest it so i actually know where i'm going this time.

We'll just call it a practice run!

Part of me feels bad for being short in my voicemail.. but part of me doesn't. It would be helpful to have some clarification in the literature. but anyways, I will try again next time! There's one on this Thursday at another hospital i might try.

My husband and I had a "spill our guts" conversation last weekend that was good, and much needed to continue healing. I know it helped me alot.

There have been some recent days that getting out of bed and going to work was one of the hardest things to do. And days that I had to take a personal day to deal with my crazy self.

We are looking forward to next weekend - my sister and her fiance are coming to visit and staying with us for a week! I just cannot wait!!
It's nice having something to look forward to, and giving me things to do as I prepare for their visit.

Holidays are difficult, watching kids with Santa and seeing their eyes glowing, and opening presents... I smile and laugh and get a warmth and happiness when I see it, but immediately after i get a stabbing pain in my heart and a sinking sick feeling in my stomach... I swallow hard and try to make it go away and not cry.

it can be embarassing to be such a cry baby at times, but i'm an emotional chick and that's also where i am in life right now.... so i just try to always have kleenexes! :)

There are a couple memorial services for Christmas that honor the lost little ones. I would like to go, and think I will, but i think it will take some pray for preparation.. it will be difficult.

I am grieving and praying for a friend that has lost a little angel, and she was due the day after Christmas. (Keep holding on girl! God gives us hope, and gives rest to the weary.)

I know it intensifies all the emotions, especially around a holiday, and dealing with the due date passing by and not having a little one to hold..

I have had thoughts recently about how this would have been the 1st Christmas for our first loss.. but, what other place to celebrate Jesus but in Heaven??
I long for my lost babies, but wow, they are spending christmas with the Lord.

What else could a momma wish for her baby if he/she couldn't be in her arms?

I continue to thank god for sending people into my life to help me through this trial..
I started talking to a lady who cometimes makes copies in my office as she doesn't have one and is just down the hall.
Somehow we got on the topic of infertility (she is a Nurse and you just never know what you'll end up talking about with nurses :) I mean that in a good way! I love them!) Anyway, her daughter went through infertility and now has a couple kids, but she is going to have her call me.

It's amazing how many women are effected by this problem, i am finding out. And how many have went thru the pain of waiting, and still are.
In a strange way it is encouraging because it means I am not alone.. WE are not alone in this journey.... but dang, it is a friggin' roller coaster!

just me and an empty room..

SO, I know it's been a while, but today I just need to vocalize some frustration!!

I had been debating about going to a support group for bereavement - this group is only for miscarriage and infant loss.. there was one posted for the 2nd tuesday of each month..today.

So I stalled a bit after work, stopped at the store, took the long way towards home in case i decided I wanted to go to the support group - it didn't start until 7p and i didn't want to drive home then drive back to the southside so i needed to kill some time... anyway i finally found my way to st francis's parking lot and decided to go inside.
FINALLY I find the "Community Room" and what do I see? A dark room.

hmm. well, I am a couple minutes early i thought.. so i wandered down the hall and back..

still no one. i check the schedule posted..no support group on there.

i talk to the front desk attendant, he doesn't know anything either.

I waited a few more minutes, but alas.. no show!

What kind of support group is that?!?
I plan to make a call tomorrow because it is posted on-line and everything.
It was really hard to get the guts to drag myself there to talk about something I don't REALLY want to talk about.

There's another one in a couple weeks at a different hospital, so I plan to try that one.
I should probably call first to make sure someone will be there!! :P

okay, sorry for the rant, just peeved at the "support" offered by our community!

One day at a time..

Thursday October 16th marked the one year "anniversary" of losing our 1st pregnancy.
Honestly I tried not to think about it much because it's very difficult.

Not sure where we will go from this point, but right now, just taking things one day at a time.
We have been so blessed to have so much support and prayers..
I know I say that alot but no matter what happens, I have to remember our many blessings..
So, from here... ??
I have no idea.

I don't want to have a negative attitude, but right now I don't want to have to deal with another loss! So don't know if I wanna even try again .. for now. We, or at least I, need some time.

The grieving has been so different this time and I just don't know how or when I'll feel "normal" again (if there IS a such thing!)

Returning back to work the following Monday, I felt like, "well-here I am-just me-by myself-no more sharing my body-bringing life-no more looking forward to a due date, to seeing a baby grow, to being a momma."
(not trying to be depressing here, just sharing my thoughts and the processing of things in my head)

This mindset.. I have to work on freeing myself from. Finding things to look forward to...
Keeping God's plan in mind..whatever that is.

It's hard not to question God's plan, his "motives" for the things that happen.

No one said being a Christian was easy, that's for sure.
It's so easy to get angry at God; to say screw this-why am I having to struggle so much here!?

But geez, do I get slapped in the face when I get in that mode! ARGH!

I get a heartache and my mind fills with thoughts of homeless, and hungry children, of the sick and diseased and of those with loss who have no source of hope......

And sometimes that makes me mad too... like thanks a lot god, I was enjoying my pity party over here okay!? Why you gotta go there?

So here we are, facing one complicated day at a time.

But in the midst of my complicated days.. I have also found beauty..

I hate to have a post filled with doom and gloom because there are spectacular things that happen to me on a daily basis -

I was driving home yesterday from a day with my mom and brother..
And the sun, the breeze, the crisp air, the golden palet of autumn colors was so wonderful and striking.
Can't help but breathe in the beauty and let it fill your soul, if only for a few short moments before returning to the chaos of the world..

Those moments are what makes life worth living! just have to remember to find them, or let them find us, and enjoy them, and internalize them so we don't forget on our bad days....

(and yes, I am preaching at myself right now!)

A Change of Plans

As of today, things are progressing naturally...

I was scheduled for a d&c tomorrow morning, but apparently god had other plans.

The worst part was being at work when my cramping and everything started, but I was able to call my dear hubby to pick me up (hee hee, dear..I don't think I've ever called him that!)
And my co-workers and boss are so amazing, they helped me get everything resolved and packed away in nearly minutes!!

So, to the doctor's office we went. He wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure things were clearing out like they should. and they were.

The down side to not doing the procedure is I have to go through the process, however long that takes. And they can't do any testing on the "tissue" as they call it (um, it's a baby, thanks) to see if there were any chromosome issues, etc.

But, if that's how God meant it to be, than I am okay with that.
I am a bit relieved to be able to go through things more naturally, vs someone I don't know taking an intimate piece of me to a lab..

Plus there were risks .. but I was willing to risk it if it was the best thing for the future.

Tomorrow we'll have some other blood tests - I can't even remember what they are for right now..

I am SO thankful for the outpouring of support, hugs and prayers from friends and family!

We are so blessed I can't nearly bring to words my appreciation and how much it has meant to us.

Here's the Latest....

The best way I can say this.. is, Jesse and I are continuing to build a heavenly family..

2 Weeks ago we thought we were on our way to see and hear our babies heartbeat, thinking we were about 9 wks pregnant.

The most wonderful part about this is we had no help from fertility meds!!!! I have to give credit my Aunt LeAnne (Lecare & Associates) for her myfacial release treatments because we have tried for a long time on our own with no luck - so this is quite a feat in itself to conceive the way God intended!!! (and of course all the prayers)

So walking into the building for our 1st ultrasound, I was anxious, nervous, excited... thinking how this day would change our world forever.

I could tell right away that the doctor looked puzzled.. and he started asking questions..

The image on the screen he said only looked about 5 wks (from conception, which would actually be 7 wks in "pregnancy" terms and according to pregnancy caluculations since they calculate from the first day of the last period... anyway, it is really confusing!!)

So we were doing some figuring and trying to see if it was possible that we were just off with the gestational age - it was possible, but the doctor was already talking about miscarriage and "when couples miscarry 2 times" etc. etc.. i was very annoyed by his pessimistic attitude!

We scheduled a couple blood tests to measure the pregnancy hormone -

The 1st one was high and measured in the right range

But the 2nd one dipped down..

I did not want to give up and refused to be defeated!
I searched on the internet about the hcg level dropping and if the pregnancy could still carry full term..
It said it wasn't a good thing but there were cases where it has happened...

So I clung to the little hope I had left.

The slim possibility that we could still have this precious baby.

It was difficult to think that we would be back peddling 2 wks too - we'd have to keep waiting to tell people, all the books I'd been reading about how the baby developed in wk 9.. would have to be re-read in 2 wks.. but, I was still happy to be 'with child'

The following week, we had a follow up ultrasound, and again, only measuring 5 wks.
no growth.
not good.

I made the doctor explain and consider things this time as he likes to do his thing and vanish and we're left with questions! so frustrating!

AND Before he even did the ultrasound - he was already calling it a miscarriage! Maybe it's just me, but geez, give people a chance to have a little hope!?!? Am I wrong?????

He offered to do another test and wait 2 wks for another scan...if I wanted to keep checking, trying, hoping..

But, after talking to some of my co-workers who have been through these experiences, and are nurses who have even worked in that field.. our decision to continue waiting and hoping turned to .. let's just do another blood draw to see if the pregnancy hormone levels are still dropping and go from there.

That is the tell-tale sign that the pregnancy is failing. After 3 days of phone calls to the doctor's office to get some friggin' information and tests ordered - the results came in.

the levels were down again. significantly..

So. there I was. numb and fragile - and having to chose the option of a d&c, to allow a doctor to remove our baby surgically. to offer up into the arms of the Lord our second baby.

It is most difficult that we will not get to see this one either... I just want to see our babies! Well that's not all, I want to hold them and love them and raise them and nurture them and grow with them......

I'm scheduled this Thursday for the procedure.
I am quite anxious about being put under, and just having to go through this horrible process. I think Jesse might even be more nervous about me having to do this.

We would appreciate your prayers during this time of adjusting and grieving and getting back on track once again....

I'm changing doctors after this because I'm just not happy with the way things went down.
And as soon as we heal, and can move forward, we will.
Things happened on their own so we have faith that it can happen again!

Who knows why this happened.. I refuse to beat myself up about it and go through the "why me's" of it - I just will not allow myself to go through that again -
I do believe I've gotten stronger over the past year and God will continue to work in our lives!!

PS - it was a year ago yesterday that I found out I was pregnant for the first time - still one of the best days of my life and I will cherish it always!!! :)
It will always be special, each time it happens it is a blessing and we'll remember our tiny babies in heaven always.

Blessings to you all ~ Thank you all for being so supportive to us!!

Hair Pic & Anniversary Stuff

So I got my hair cut last weekend - here is the pic finally!
It's mostly one layer, angled toward the front, and stacked a little in the back.
Whadda think?

This weekend was my hubby and I's 5 year anniversary! :)
We've actually been together for 9 years which just sounds so much more impressive!! Hard to believe it's been that long really... time flies!

It was such a nice and laid back weekend, we really enjoyed it. We originally had planned to go out to eat to this fancy restaurant but it started pouring down rain... so we ordered pizza instead... we are just as content hangin out together at home with pizza and a movie than going out somewhere.



For a wedding present we got a wedding time capsule, so we've made it a tradition (well, I have, hee hee) to add something to it each year - and read some of the answers we wrote in a couple years ago.


It's kinda fun to see how things change each year. So that was our Saturday evening!


This year we wrote a note to ourselves and each other to open in 5 yrs! Which will be really hard for me not to open earlier!!!! we'll see..

Hope you are all having a good week - Happy Autumn!!!

Quiet on the home front

Things have settled down a bit and this week has gone pretty well.

Update on the baby stuff: we're still trying without the help of fertility meds.
Hoping to have some news either way in the next couple weeks, so will keep you all posted.

Trying not to be too anxious about it all..

So, in other news.. I totally rocked it in Fantasy Footbal this week! I am so excited!! I am actually tied for 2nd out of 10 people in our league. not too shabby if I do say so myself!

I really don't have a lot to say today, just sending a quick hello.

Oh, I got my hair cut today - shorter than I've ever had it, but I think I like it. Maybe I will post a pic.
No color this time, since there isn't any hard evidence if dying hair can affect a fetus I'd rather be safe than sorry, or have a reason to blame myself if something happened! (just in case ya know!)

My husband had a silly question for me today.. why do women feel the need to drive across the city to get their hair done? UM? I love my hair gal! She is awesome and has never done a bad job, so what is the question?

This is like my one splurgey thing.. I love to go to Static Salon in Broadripple! So if you need a good hair person, and are willing to go an extra mile or two.. go there! (and of course tell them I sent you :)

Alrighty, I am all out of fabulous tidbits to tell you!
I feel pretty lame, but hey what can I say? :)

Adios!

Trying To Get Real

Nothing spectacular to post about. Just a little 'hello' to everyone!

I don't think I've been living up to what I really wanted to be/do with this blog...

My intentions were to be more transparent and upfront about our journey but I feel like I could be doing better at that...

It's been a bit of a roller coaster month and my emotions have risen and plummetted day to day..or more like hour to hour!

It was at a funeral - of all places (or not, maybe that's what's supposed to happen there?) - that I had a shift in my perception.. it didn't stay with me afterward really- just later as I reflected, but during the short service, I was filled with both joy and sorrow...

I hate seeing anyone losing a spouse and it makes me think of the "what-ifs" that just tear me in two. so that was part of the sorrow.

I was sad to lose this person from our family who was such a strong influential christian example.

But I was joyful for the life he led, the legacy he left behind, and the eternal life he had moved on to......

Here is where my 'shift' was.. I'm always so focused on the NOW. and what I want right NOW!

I know I've probably said this before - but I just hate that I slip back into this mind frame....
How do we stay focused on the eternal?

I get so frustrated with myself! I guess just life takes us there..

That's really only the tip of the iceberg this month...

Between fighting sinuses (yeah, what is up with the allergy season this year??)
Mending family hurts and illnesses, taking family to the er, getting dogs allergy meds....
Trying not to lose my job from being a crazy person and having to take last minute days off...
And trying to be a supportive wife as my hubby has multiple band practices in our house...
And of course the usual birthday parties and gatherings... and of course I decided to join fantasy football league this year!! (okay, parties and football - not bad things!)

SO anyway.. I am pretty much battling my hormones, my selfish being, and trying to stay focused on whatever it is that I'm supposed to be focused on. :) (god help me!) :)

YOWZA... anyone else ready for a new "season" ?? I am! Bring on autumn already!

(p.s. - I think my dog just yacked on the floor - I use that word because that's what it sounded like.... nice)

Summer Days.. Drifting away..

WOW! I can't believe it's been almost a month since I last posted! Sorry all!

My hubby and I, along with my 14 yo brother went to visit my sister in California.

It was a wonderful trip, good to get away for a week, to see somewhere I've never seen before, and of course to get to spend time with my sister and her fiance.

Other than that, have been taking things easy, just working on the house (which seems to be a never ending project for me!?!?) spending time with family and friends - there are a lot of birthdays in the summer - so it's been nice!

I've been getting migraines a lot more frequently - I've actually had a migraine or headache for the last 6 days!!

My doctor is running some more blood tests to see if it's thyroid or hormone related..

the crappy part is that I can't take preventative medicine, which is probably what I need to do, because we are trying to get pregnant! That stuff is not approved to take with pregnancy.

SO... we'll see what the results say, and see if there is anything I can actually do about it.

It really makes getting myself out of bed and to work a difficult task some days. I don't like to drive in the bright sunshine even with my shades on when I have these headaches.
They're not incapacitating, but, at the very least, extremely distracting and persistant.

I have some really expensive medicine I take (until we get pregnant) which helps sometimes.

Anyway. that is that story....

I'm still going to see my stepaunt Leanne for the myofascial release once a week.

Although the immediate results are not always pleasant, the sessions are always therapeutic in some way. (our bodies react to the therapy different every time, sometimes good, sometimes not so good) But the trick is to let yourself FEEL whatever it is that is coming out of it. It's the bodies way of healing....

It is so neat the way our bodies and minds are interconnected - seriously - if you haven't ever read about this, you should.

So it's been very healing and I truly believe things are getting better on the inside too - physically and emotionally!

Some might think it sounds kinda wacky, but being a Christian person, I believe God made us amazing creatures!
Going through this whole experience has strengthened my belief in that even more!

So far, we haven't been able to get pregnant again, at this point. But we are continuing to try and seek guidance, patience, peace, and hold on to God's love.

I'll try and post more often. It's been a busy month! :)

Lazy Day

I'm SO enjoying this lazy morning!

Although I was up until 1am, catching up on the technology I've been avoiding all week..
reading e-mail, myspace, facebook, blogs..
watching my dvr of random t.v. shows...

"So you think you can dance?" I really do think I can dance after watching this show..even though they are amazing and I am not.. I can still pretend to do all the amazing leaps and spins they do.. all the while looking totally ridiculous in my pj's at home! :)

"Army Wives" - accidentally stumbled on this show and was wrapped up in it.. it makes me think of all the people serving now and their families..

"The baby borrowers" - this is hilarious by the way -teenagers that 'borrow' babies because they either WANT to HAVE babies already, or think it would just be FUN..
They are boyfriend/girlfriend and have to take care of the baby, and one has to go to work.
I hope lots of teenagers watch this show - it shows the 'ugly' side of parenting and hopefully will knock some sense into some of them! Still is funny though...

Anyway ~ I just totally enjoyed engrossing myself.

Today I am getting ready to rejoin reality..... sort of.. I am reading up on San Francisco!!

We leave in exactly ONE week and I am SO excited to see my sister!

My hubby, brother and I will be there for almost a week ~ staying with my sister and her fiance.

I CANNOT WAIT!!

For sure will miss my 2 doggies but the will be staying w/ my mom. sniff. sniff :(

Okay, so sorry this is sorta lame.. but this is my morning!

Still actively trying for baby. So far have had 5 sessions of myofascial release therapy.

So this will be our first time trying after multiple sessions of therapy - prayerfully..prayerfully..prayerfully this will be it (I am going to say this everytime until it happens!)

I know God has been guiding us through this process and will continue to be with us!

Happy Fourth of July!

a trying week

It has been quite a trying week..

I won't go into the details but a coworker lost her 20 year old daughter this week and it is just tearing at my heart.

An old friend of mine lost his cousin, she was 26.

These are such young lives being taken!

I just can't fathom the depth of grief .. the reasoning behind it.. it just doesn't make sense.

It has knocked me for a loop!

It may be odd, but I do think about the what ifs.. when we have kids (someday!)
I don't want to go through that.. I mean, I know God can and would get me through anything but I just don't wanna go there. (not that anyone does obviously)

Regardless, it's sparked several discussions with my husband and I.
It's led us to speak of loving those around us, deepening our relationships and embracing them.
Living each day to the fullest. Not being afraid to put ourselves out there a little more..

So I only hope that if nothing else becomes of those tragic losses, maybe a spark of love, from the brilliant personalities they had, will ignite the hearts of those who knew them.

I know it already has for me.

A little something different..

Hey ya'll! Sorry it's been so long!!

Just a quick update for ya.. we are still just trying on our own for the moment.

I just had my 3rd physical therapy session however, with my aunt Leanne! (thanks Leanne, you are awesome for helping us with this!!!!)

You'll have to read up on it if you're not familiar, but it's call myofascial release.
We are hoping it will help things along a little more naturally.

Right now the plan is to try this for a bit, then if no preggo, will try fertility meds again.

Trying to keep an open mind and praying that this method works out.
It is a lot less invasive and less disruptive to our lives, but we'll do what we gotta.

Hope all is well out there! I'll try to post more often...

Taking a Break

I think we are officially taking a break from the infertility treatments..

Maybe a couple months off ~ need some breathing time..

need to recoupe, regroup, recover.

There are risks involved in taking the meds for extended periods of time as well as the financial and emotional taxing.

So, there you have it!

It's difficult - because it feels like giving up, or failure because it hasn't happened yet.

But there are options we haven't tried yet and different treatments, so we will be discussing the 'next steps' and possibly give it another try in a couple months.

It's also nearing the time period that had I carried the first pregnancy full term, I would be due soon... kinda strange to think about.

I remember thinking of how 'fat' I'd be for our friends wedding (which is next wkend) so hey, I guess I don't have to worry about waddling around.. and how I hoped our friend and his new wife would be back from their honeymoon before I delivered..

I find it difficult to think of positives for this one...
But, I know it will take time!!!

We plan to keep trying on our own in the meantime. You just never know what God has in store!

So right now, just praying for patience and perseverance.. it builds character right!?

TGIF!! (and an FYI)

I just wanted to let you all know that I changed some of the settings.
Some have had troubles posting comments so hope it helps.
You know I am still learning about this so bear with me!

Jesse is watching the movie "Signs" on t.v. - I don't know what it is but this movie scares me!
I hate those creepy lanky aliens and I hate when they are trying to bust into the house!! eeek!

So, Nothing earth shattering on my mind today... just exhausted from this week.

Jesse and I took advantage of the nice weather tonight and walked the dogs around the neighborhood. (We love our dogs, but we're not hardcore enough to walk them in crappy weather.. sorry doggies! Instead we just give them treats and play, so that's why they are a little chunky! But they're happy and very loved!!)

It's been such a long week and I haven't been sleeping well so I am really pooped!
Mostly my fault though... have been on the computer way too much and went out with the 'smartmommas' group last night. (i am of course an honorary member)

I usually have good intentions about going to bed but just doesn't happen. Plus just was having too much fun last night watching 2 girls get tatoos!!!

It was my first time in a tattoo parlor and it was pretty cool I thought!

I told Jesse I'm gonna have to get one soon... he isn't real hip on the idea but we'll see :) hee hee ~~~ and don't ask how a moms group ended up in a tat parlor!! We are just cool like that. the other option was a movie, so ya know, of course tattoo parlor was the logical choice....

dinner.. dessert... tattoos. :)

okay.. I am typing with one eye closed bcause it's scary on tv right now...
Alien shadow in the t.v.... alien holding little boy... yikes!!!
i am such a wuss! I used to like scary movies.. no can do anymore!
scary alien face!! thank god this movie is almost over!

So I'll be up for a while tonight for sure!!!!

Wish me Sweet Dreams!

Patience is a virtue...

Patience is a virtue right????

OMG!

Today was definitely a test of patience! Nothing serious - but SO annoying!

Imagine that call you make to get a bill adjusted and no one knows what they are doing or who you need to talk to. and all you get is transfer, transfer, call this number, transfer, transfer...

That is what most of my day consisted of.. I was ready to EXPLODE!

I really thought I was doing well for a while, but after the 5th transfer... I was getting a little testy. I jokingly said... "Well, I guess the fifth time's a charm! Go ahead and transfer me!" hee hee.

I am praying for a new job just in case anyone wants to send up a prayer for me.... :)

SO.. here is the ponderism - Makes me think - Life is kinda like that...

One day you are going one way.. oh, wait.. that's not right, okay hold please...
Then.. okay here we go.. I'm cookin' with grease now.. oh shoot. hmm.
Let's go this way..

But my other thought is - all those times I was transferred, I was talking to the WRONG person.

Once I got connected to someone who KNEW what I needed, everything worked out.

Kinda like life. So many times I think we are just dialing the wrong number -
listening to what the 'it' voices of the world say, or not listening to the prompts being spoken to us.

There have been several times I've gotten distracted when I was supposed to be listening to the prompts and didn't know which button to push.

The good thing is - when that happened, I was usually transferred to a representative who could help.

So I guess the best thing to remember is, if I/you/anyone miss the prompt - There's always someone there to help!

Who would've thunk it. All those idiots I talked to today inspired me!!
(sorry, but seriously though, I was really to reach through the phone!)

Heart Pangs

just a short blog today.. have something on my mind.

I have been seeing things "outside of the box" lately.

That box being my little world..

I am blessed. I should really not be complaining about how much I dislike my job or the dirty laundry..

I should be happy to wash my clothes with my two capable hands, and hang them up in my closet, in my house. Then get up early out of my warm bed to take a hot shower, eat and drive my car to my job!

How many people in this messed up world can NOT do some or ANY of these things???
Earthquakes and Tornados, corrupt governments, recession, unemployement, etc. etc...
So many people hurting, doing without the bare necessities.. and here I am complaining about the blessings I have?!?!

My heart aches for them.

The Close of Another Chapter...

I guess it would only be a secret if the test was positive...
Blood Test confirmed it's a negative for babyville. bummer.

Found out on Monday but just haven't really known the words to share.

It's a major let down of course. I honestly don't know how people do this for years!! It is such a draining experience.

So now we are left with the "what now?" question... the answer is.. we don't know!

I don't know if I can do this all again in another 2 months. My body, my MIND!

Part of me wonders if God is giving me an opportunity to take care of other things in my life before having children, or maybe he is just trying to teach me patience..
or maybe he wants to be sure we appreciate it??
or maybe it's just not meant to be!??! I hate to think that....

How frustrating to be spinning in place not knowing which direction to go.

The only thing I can do is pray for God's help. At times, there are no specific words or thoughts that I can produce in prayer.. simply... "help"

I guess that is where I am right now. Waiting on guidance as to - what next?

Thoughts of going back to school cross my mind... but to wait that long to start our family?
I dunno... it might be in the best interest of my little pseudo family for me to go back to school.. do I really want to change gears like this? dunno.

But what are you going to school for, you ask? dunno. Have to settle on something - which, again, need some guidance...

SO, with all that said ~ here we are. back at square one.

I know there are many other couples struggling with this same trial and my heart goes out to them, as well as my prayers..

In the midst of all of this, I've identified a tight knit bond that singles & couples with infertility challenges have. there is a common bond, a longing and angst, there is great hope, excitement, eagerness and tremedous love, and with that, a sense of urgency to share that love with a being created in love...

As we wrapped up the end of this cycle, with tears and hugs, prayer and hope... we had to focus on the positives, as always - because if you don't, let's face it.. you just go crazy! (don't get me wrong though... there hasn't been a day this week that I haven't shed a few tears!!!!)

Jesse's first "look on the bright side" statement was... at least you don't have to have a shot every day!
To which I responded.. and you don't have to give one! ;)

I've been able to enjoy a margarita and a diet coke! (oh how I missed you diet coke.....)

I am happy to have the "two week wait" over and know the results. (whether I like them or not)

And, we have this time, for whatever reason, to use for whatever purpose God has for us.

I'll continue to blog with whatever.. I have to admit, I kinda like it!

Love to you All!!!!!

ready and waiting..

That's been the theme for the past week.... ready and waiting.

Well, not sure how "READY" I am, can one ever really be ready for such a life changing experience? doubt it.

The beautiful weather has been a godsend though - it has really kept me a little preoccupied (I said a little!) and kept me active and helped me keep my mind off of things so much.

I was just taking in nature's beauty this weekend and feeling the warmth of the sun lift my spirits.
It's amazing to me what something like the weather can do to change your perspective or your attitude. It can give a refreshed outlook on life in the dreariest of times.

I was just happy to breathe it in and release all my anxiety and stresses.

Now, today is another story! BLEHCK!

However, I actually forgot all about my shots today. I had decided today was a relax and veg night and had settled in a cozy spot on the couch - when out of the corner of my eye I see the Ziploc back of syringe/needle supplies... Oh bummer... i forgot... crap.

Funny how we can squish the bad stuff out of our heads for a while..but sometimes, more often than not, they start creeping back in.. and we have to deal with them or squish them back again.

Yes, this is all sort of random. just thoughts.. as they pour from my head.

So back to the title - the waiting - and the waiting. that's all this process is really.. just waiting.
growing impatient. trying to think of how in the world will I pass the time between now and the moment we find out???
And no matter what the results.. it will be more waiting. UGH!!!!!

I really hate learning patience. I am not really the most patient person..
And certainly this has been one of the biggest trials of patience I have ever experienced.

I am also struggling a lot with what to eat/drink. My fasting glucose test came back high, so I am getting new meds and really need to be more strict with my diet. arg.
BUT - also have to limit all the stuff that's bad for pregnancy (just in case - no results yet!)

Just think if you wanted a snack but you can't have too many carbs or sugars in a day - what do you eat? yeah, nothing. I am at a loss...... I have been to a dietitian before in the past but not in this situation. So might need to set something up to figure this out!

So hard to be hungry but not want to eat because you don't know WHAT to eat!

Anyway... I think Jesse is pacing the floors waiting on me to watch survivor with him :)

It's so quiet right now... and irregardless of how yucky the weather seems today.. it's so nice to hear the sound of the rain. so calming and peaceful..

To Eat or not to Eat

It's amazing all the things you learn in this process. From all the books and magazines, it almost becomes an obsession to make sure everything you do or don't do is perfect!

In preparation for whatever happens I've decided to give up my diet drinks - which I really enjoy, although I really don't drink them much... the bubbly yumminess is calling my name right now! How a Diet Mt Dew just hits the spot sometimes! I have seen several times that having one cup of coffee is okay - so for now I am still having that to enjoy! We'll see how that goes further down the road. I know Jesse was very watchful before about what I ate and drink which I thought was really sweet!

Since my body is "insulin resistant" which is basically pre-diabetic (some people/doctors though don't believe in pre-diabetice, you either are or you're not)

So if you don't watch what you eat (sugar/carbs) and make some lifestyle changes (exercise) things can get worse and will end up diabetic - I am used to using splenda or equal, drinking diet etc..

But now, due to some reading I've done - I am choosing not to, just in case.
For me it is the little pleasures in life, so this is a giant challenge. I do have some "raw natural" sugar to use but since it is still sugar and not a substitute, have to be careful not to use too much!!!
(that way I can eat birthday cake at dinner - like I did last night!! heehee, It was SO DELICIOUS!) sorry, I have a weakness!

Anywho - all this has been swirling around in my head lately - checking labels and reading books.
like I said - Obsession.

So far I'm not obsessing too much over what the results will be - just trying to leave it in God's Hands.
I know that whatever happens is His will for our lives.
Whatever path, or fork in the road He leads us to, I know He will be there with us and will guide us through.

I'm not saying it will be easy by ANY means, no matter what happens. It's never easy.
I don't think I use the word easy in my vocab anymore!

But with all the support from everyone.. at least things can be easier.
We love you all!!!!! You are great! :)

Moving Right Along..

Here is the part where it gets tricky for me. I want to share everything but at the same time- don't want to go through the same thing we did last time.

So, with that said, I will carefully be choosing my words and probably not sharing the official results within the next 2-3 weeks... Just want to make sure things are progressing first!!

I start with the "booty shots" as I call them, tonight. Have to have injection of progesterone every day to support attachment (of fertilized egg) and then to support the pregnancy... god willing..

BUT~ no pun intended.. hee hee.. had to have the "HCG" (Human chorionic gonadotropin) shot yesterday morning to encourage the mature follicles to spit out the eggs, hence ovulation.

I REALLY dislike getting a shot in the booty.. not to mention having one EVERY DAY!!
It is so uncomfortable to sit, walk, sleep, pretty much anything that requires movement of the lower body or pressure on that spot.
It feels like a bad bruise, but there is nothing there but a happy face the nurse drew on there to mark the injection spot. (how clever of her, huh!)

My home nurse.. aka, Jesse, did a great job as always though. What a trooper! Maybe he missed his calling as a phlebotomist!?

Today I started running a low grade fever and have a bad headache.. pretty sure that is as a result of the hormones. Plus an achy bum would make anyone a little grumpy, eh?

Such is life, right? No pain, no gain.

So, my challenge is to be accepting of the pain... to try not to constantly complain...

And be grateful of the wonderful opportunity that God has allowed.. that He in fact has Blessed us with!

All Pumped Full of Drugs!

Hello all,
Things are going fairly smooth so far.. Have only had a couple difficult moments due to the hormones. I was quite emotional on day 3 - which was the first day I started taking the Clomid (stimulates ovulation) and the Estrace (estrogen) and then on day 6, Saturday, when I just had to stop, cry, and take a nap... the world was simply falling apart at that exact moment :P
.... but .... only 2 days of insaness, not bad.....it could be worse.

It's strange really ~ I'm not sure what is so different this time around. BUT I am NOT complaining!

Tomorrow will be the last day of "Gonal F" shots:
(human follicle stimulating hormone which is the hormone responsible for stimulating the production of egg-containing follicles)
Which I have to give myself in the stomach. :(
They aren't too bad now that I am used to it, but the first time I ever had to do it I was a nervous wreck. I am certainly getting used to needles, and my fear of them is much less now!

I go for an ultrasound Friday to check things out. We are hoping for mature follicles at this appointment!! Unfortunately Jesse won't be able to go with me - he has to work late, so I am going solo. So everyone think good thoughts and say some prayers and cross your fingers! :)

We really appreciate all the encouragement and support! Hope you all had a good Easter!

**Don't forget you can leave comments on here (somehow)**

New Beginnings

Wow! My first Blog on my own Blogger page.. who knew? I am starting this simply to journal our footsteps toward starting a family, to keep family and friends informed and to keep our precious life moments regardless whether they may be difficult or joyous.

As you may know, my husband Jesse and I were blessed in October with wonderful news. We were expecting our first child! It was a miracle in itself to have such success on our first try of fertility meds so we were shocked and amazed and overjoyed! A short 2 weeks after our news, the rug was ripped out beneath us just as quickly as it had all happened.

And thus, the grieving and repairing, mending and growing began as we learned to cope with such a tragic loss. I never knew such a deep grief could be possible for something, someone that I never even Really knew, but was at the same time so connected and one with, for even a short period of time. I was 7 wks along, and had only known for 2 wks, but it really seemed like a lifetime, which I suppose for one of us, it was...

So with the support and prayers of our family, friends and coworkers, we've made it to this point of accepting the blessing that God gave us and moving forward as we must.
The Lord blessed us with now knowing that pregnancy IS possible!

He blessed us with the gift of time, to be more prepared (if that is ever possible) to put some priorities in better perspective and to be able to grow in this experience - by supporting each other, and becoming better listeners and learning how to communicate better.
He has also brought us closer to HIM through prayer and His word, and through the encouragement of others.

SO - Here's where the new chapter begins....
Tomorrow I start back on the fertility meds....... so crazy emotional shannon is about to return.. YIKES!

I am totally relying on the Lord to help me stay sane.
I truly truly TRULY do NOT want to lose my mind.

So, with that said, we shall see.
Any prayers or encouraging words are MUCH appreciated! Hey, even if you have to tell me I am being a crazy person, I welcome it... I might cry, but I still will appreciate it being brought to my attention :)

I am also thinking in the back of my mind... am I really doing this again?
The pills, the shots, the emotions..... the nausea, the sleeplessness....
but, oh, the love of a tiny one..... my heart and soul just yearn for it so this is the reason...
a gift from God, a piece of Jesse's heart, and a piece of mine, woven into one.

Yeah, don't remind me of the other stuff like stinky poopy diapers and teenage fights, yadda yadda yadda... :) It's all in love right????