Here's the Latest....

The best way I can say this.. is, Jesse and I are continuing to build a heavenly family..

2 Weeks ago we thought we were on our way to see and hear our babies heartbeat, thinking we were about 9 wks pregnant.

The most wonderful part about this is we had no help from fertility meds!!!! I have to give credit my Aunt LeAnne (Lecare & Associates) for her myfacial release treatments because we have tried for a long time on our own with no luck - so this is quite a feat in itself to conceive the way God intended!!! (and of course all the prayers)

So walking into the building for our 1st ultrasound, I was anxious, nervous, excited... thinking how this day would change our world forever.

I could tell right away that the doctor looked puzzled.. and he started asking questions..

The image on the screen he said only looked about 5 wks (from conception, which would actually be 7 wks in "pregnancy" terms and according to pregnancy caluculations since they calculate from the first day of the last period... anyway, it is really confusing!!)

So we were doing some figuring and trying to see if it was possible that we were just off with the gestational age - it was possible, but the doctor was already talking about miscarriage and "when couples miscarry 2 times" etc. etc.. i was very annoyed by his pessimistic attitude!

We scheduled a couple blood tests to measure the pregnancy hormone -

The 1st one was high and measured in the right range

But the 2nd one dipped down..

I did not want to give up and refused to be defeated!
I searched on the internet about the hcg level dropping and if the pregnancy could still carry full term..
It said it wasn't a good thing but there were cases where it has happened...

So I clung to the little hope I had left.

The slim possibility that we could still have this precious baby.

It was difficult to think that we would be back peddling 2 wks too - we'd have to keep waiting to tell people, all the books I'd been reading about how the baby developed in wk 9.. would have to be re-read in 2 wks.. but, I was still happy to be 'with child'

The following week, we had a follow up ultrasound, and again, only measuring 5 wks.
no growth.
not good.

I made the doctor explain and consider things this time as he likes to do his thing and vanish and we're left with questions! so frustrating!

AND Before he even did the ultrasound - he was already calling it a miscarriage! Maybe it's just me, but geez, give people a chance to have a little hope!?!? Am I wrong?????

He offered to do another test and wait 2 wks for another scan...if I wanted to keep checking, trying, hoping..

But, after talking to some of my co-workers who have been through these experiences, and are nurses who have even worked in that field.. our decision to continue waiting and hoping turned to .. let's just do another blood draw to see if the pregnancy hormone levels are still dropping and go from there.

That is the tell-tale sign that the pregnancy is failing. After 3 days of phone calls to the doctor's office to get some friggin' information and tests ordered - the results came in.

the levels were down again. significantly..

So. there I was. numb and fragile - and having to chose the option of a d&c, to allow a doctor to remove our baby surgically. to offer up into the arms of the Lord our second baby.

It is most difficult that we will not get to see this one either... I just want to see our babies! Well that's not all, I want to hold them and love them and raise them and nurture them and grow with them......

I'm scheduled this Thursday for the procedure.
I am quite anxious about being put under, and just having to go through this horrible process. I think Jesse might even be more nervous about me having to do this.

We would appreciate your prayers during this time of adjusting and grieving and getting back on track once again....

I'm changing doctors after this because I'm just not happy with the way things went down.
And as soon as we heal, and can move forward, we will.
Things happened on their own so we have faith that it can happen again!

Who knows why this happened.. I refuse to beat myself up about it and go through the "why me's" of it - I just will not allow myself to go through that again -
I do believe I've gotten stronger over the past year and God will continue to work in our lives!!

PS - it was a year ago yesterday that I found out I was pregnant for the first time - still one of the best days of my life and I will cherish it always!!! :)
It will always be special, each time it happens it is a blessing and we'll remember our tiny babies in heaven always.

Blessings to you all ~ Thank you all for being so supportive to us!!