One day at a time..

Thursday October 16th marked the one year "anniversary" of losing our 1st pregnancy.
Honestly I tried not to think about it much because it's very difficult.

Not sure where we will go from this point, but right now, just taking things one day at a time.
We have been so blessed to have so much support and prayers..
I know I say that alot but no matter what happens, I have to remember our many blessings..
So, from here... ??
I have no idea.

I don't want to have a negative attitude, but right now I don't want to have to deal with another loss! So don't know if I wanna even try again .. for now. We, or at least I, need some time.

The grieving has been so different this time and I just don't know how or when I'll feel "normal" again (if there IS a such thing!)

Returning back to work the following Monday, I felt like, "well-here I am-just me-by myself-no more sharing my body-bringing life-no more looking forward to a due date, to seeing a baby grow, to being a momma."
(not trying to be depressing here, just sharing my thoughts and the processing of things in my head)

This mindset.. I have to work on freeing myself from. Finding things to look forward to...
Keeping God's plan in mind..whatever that is.

It's hard not to question God's plan, his "motives" for the things that happen.

No one said being a Christian was easy, that's for sure.
It's so easy to get angry at God; to say screw this-why am I having to struggle so much here!?

But geez, do I get slapped in the face when I get in that mode! ARGH!

I get a heartache and my mind fills with thoughts of homeless, and hungry children, of the sick and diseased and of those with loss who have no source of hope......

And sometimes that makes me mad too... like thanks a lot god, I was enjoying my pity party over here okay!? Why you gotta go there?

So here we are, facing one complicated day at a time.

But in the midst of my complicated days.. I have also found beauty..

I hate to have a post filled with doom and gloom because there are spectacular things that happen to me on a daily basis -

I was driving home yesterday from a day with my mom and brother..
And the sun, the breeze, the crisp air, the golden palet of autumn colors was so wonderful and striking.
Can't help but breathe in the beauty and let it fill your soul, if only for a few short moments before returning to the chaos of the world..

Those moments are what makes life worth living! just have to remember to find them, or let them find us, and enjoy them, and internalize them so we don't forget on our bad days....

(and yes, I am preaching at myself right now!)