These are Our Dog-Days of Summer...

So far summer has creeped by slowly, and we've celebrated the multiple family birthdays that come with the first two weeks of June. Jesse claims he is now "middle-aged" and my mom is now a half-century old!!

We have been dog-sitting for a young playful sheltie and will probably have him for at least a couple more weeks. It has been interesting to see our dogs interact with him, as they are very laid back most of the time, and he just wants to play play play, and bark!

So that was a slight adjustment to 'going outside' time and 'feeding' time, and of course throwing off my routine a bit. But now I think we've finally got it down, and Buddy (the sheltie's name) goes willingly to 'bed' (aka: his cage) at night, without me having to wrestle him down or chase him around the house. yes, that was fun...

He hasn't been upstairs but one time, and that's all it took. I don't think he had ever experienced stairs that high? not sure. But when it came time for him to climb DOWN, he was reluctant, but then, like superman stretching out his arms to fly, he stuck out his front legs and leaped down about 5 steps like he was trying to jump to me at the bottom of the stairs! oh. my.

He is a cutie though, lots of personality!

This is Buddy:

So, that is about it for the moment.

Lots of things churning in my head tonight, so we'll see what cultivates, and I'll post again soon!

~Shannon

Adoption Blessing for a Friend!

Friends of ours got some much awaited, wonderful news!

They JUST got a call this week to adopt a baby girl ~ due in TWO WEEKS!!

It is such a blessing, but also quite a challenge to prepare so quickly.

I am trying to help them get the word out, as they need some help (and prayers too!) in order to pull everything together.

Check out their story, and if you feel led to do so, maybe you can help them out!

http://brownfamilyadoption.chipin.com

And a Happy Mother's Day shout out to all ya'll Mothers! :) You are such special people!!!!
Jesse and I had a great day sharing it with our moms, and grandma's!
~Blessings~

Losing Baggage

Just a short post today, I have something pressing on my heart that I need to let loose!

I'm Hoping to LOSE some Baggage! Yes, that's right, lose it!

Not going on vacation, although I wish!!

I'm talking about baggage we accumulate..

We had a great sermon today about the baggage that we carry around in life.
(guilt, unforgiveness, unfulfilled expectations-like "unanswered prayers," bitterness, etc.)

It was really eye opening to me at the things that can be baggage and we may not even realize it.

I really want to take this to heart and work on "cleaning house" and get rid of some of my own baggage!

I know God has forgiven me, and set me free, but am I really taking advantage of that? Why then, do I still hold on to all this stuff that ties me down??

I want to live at my fullest potential, FOR REAL!!!!! ;)

I don't know that I have a lot of large pieces... a lot of little handbags, some backpacks...and maybe a couple full sized suitcases... maybe a trunk or two?!

Nothing like a little spring cleaning to cleanse the soul!!


( if you would like more info on the sermon, you can visit the City Community Church website: citycommunitychurch.com there is usually a podcast or something, there is even a you tube channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/citycommunitychurch )

A Spring Treat in my Mailbox!

Happy Spring Everyone!
I hope you all had a truly blessed Easter! I am so glad to finally be enjoying some nice springy weather here!!!! I finally feel alive again! Those gloomy days just bring me down!!!

I have a little story to share.. maybe not so much a "story" but whatever..
It's a piece of one of my 'life-goals' at least...

OK, I was SO excited when I finally received a paper copy of the Spring Edition - Open Arms Newletter recently!


Open Arms is a pregnancy loss support group run through Community Health Network. (you can visit their website at: http://www.ecommunity.com/openarms/ to learn more about pregnancy loss resources also!)


I wrote a poem for the bulletin this past December for the Open Arms holiday memorial service, to honor our two lost babies. Afterwards, I was asked to submit something for the spring newsletter!!! Of course, I was THRILLED to do so!


SO, here it is, my first time being published.. :)


As an aspiring writer, for me this is a great first step, a dream in print, and I am honored to be able to (hopefully) touch the lives of others through writing about my experiences..

here is a link to the entire newletter: http://www.ecommunity.com/openarms/index.aspx?pg=10339

( By the way, just celebrating a small goal, and spreading awareness about these great resources for hurting people, not looking for praise or trying to brag, I hope to never come across that way...But hey if you wanna pat me on the back, not like I'm gonna shoo you away! HA! ;) )

No, really though, I feel so blessed for this opportunity and hope that God will continue to open doors and windows for my husband and I as we keep truckin' down this crazy road!

Thanks to everyone that has supported us and prayed for us. This next Sunday (May 3rd) would have been my due date so we're still not out of the woods.. tough times still to come, but I feel like the winds of change are ready to send breezes of goodness and grace our way!

~ Shannon

just along for the ride..

So I've been avoiding posting anything lately. Mainly because most people would see my last month of life to be somewhat of a "train-wreck."

when actually, I feel like it's been.. necessary.

In my previous job I felt very trapped in the same day to day exsistence, and most days did not feel any amount of satisfaction from the work I had done.
I was helpful of course, but it just wasn't fulfilling.

After much prayer, I decided to take a leap into another job that I felt was God sending me a 'way out' of the undertow from which I was suffocating.

It was an amazing whirlwind of chaos, flowers, phones, orders, deadlines, last minute changes, rush desicions, papers, machines, cold rooms, typing in gloves, bows and ribbons, casket sprays and flowers, boquets and notes, and achoo-allergies! All followed by a quick bite of food and bathroom break if you're lucky!! SHEW!

As fabulous as I thought it would be to "work with flowers" all day, and "manage the front of store" The ferverent pace quickly wore me down, and somehow when considering this position, I must have repressed the fact that I have allergies! So working in a cooler all day with allergies also brought me down quickly.

I'm explaining all this because, I know, that for whatever reason, this was an experience I needed to have.

The store owner who is a great christian woman was able to show me her strengths as she worked amidst the stress, and even allowed a homeless man off the street to work for her so he could earn a few dollars. When other people probably wouldn't have trusted him... she showed him God's love! SO anyway, she was great to work with.... and when things were all said and done and I realized it was not going to be a good fit, she understood.

She reassured me that God's hand was in all of this.

And so, here I am. At a brand spanking new job, not knowing what the heck to expect next in life at this point. I don't mind my new job, it is a job. Is it where God wants me for the time being? I suppose.

I do feel like I am on a train that is tipping back and forth, trying to fly off the tracks, but somehow, barely hanging on.

Most days, I am okay. Today I am not.

I dunno if someone is playing a cruel joke or something.. actually, i'm sure it's from something I signed up for on a website at some point, but it feels like a cruel joke...

BUT, I received a box with several trial sized containers of Similac baby formula in the mail this week.. YAY!

I tell ya, it took everything I had in me not to hurl the box down the street.

I think my actual words were, oh that's lovely, but inside I felt like throwing it.
My next thought was though, do i know anyone that could use this? ( I hate things going to waste!)

So that might have set me off. Gave me the little push down the hill, snowballing until I'm brought to tears thinking that my due date would have been in April.. I honestly hadn't thought about that in months!

I've of course had the sharp pains in my stomach, heart, and head when seeing a pregnant lady or someone with a stroller, but I have grown a bit stronger with that recently, or maybe I have just been stuffing in all inside? hmpf. whatev.

So at the advice of my aunt... I'm am trying to let myself "FEEL" today. Giving myself permission, because sometimes I think it needs it in order to really let go.

This past month (or like 5 wks) has felt like a lifetime! But I still feel like I'm stumbling up the path I'm supposed to be on.. there's just a lot of rocks, and bolders.. and giant mega redwood trees blocking some of the areas I need to step.

Oh Yeah, P.S. the tests I had run in January all came out normal, so no help there.

At a Crossroads

Today we finally put away all our Christmas stuff!! HA!

Yeah, we have been a little slow on everything, slow putting them out, so of course, a little slow putting them away! Oh Well!

So. I had a 'new patient appointment' this week with an OB/GYN to discuss things.

I was able to speak with the RN and the Doctor, who I really liked, but the message was the same from both.

'We can run a couple tests, but you really should see a reproductive specialist.'

ARG.

I was hoping that out of this appt I would be able to just get a barrage of tests and figure something out!!!! Can't it be that easy?

Um. No.

They drew blood for 2 tests, both which came back within normal range (prolactin and thyroid) which, yeah is good to hear... but at the same time, this gives no answers to what is happening!

And in the back of my head I'm thinking.. Maybe I'm searching for answers that aren't there...

I was given a couple names of reproductive endocrinologists in the area (since we are definitely not going back to our previous doc)

However, I am at a crossroads in my heart..

Do we Proceed with tests, shots, meds, waiting, fear and dealing with emotions from past experiences?? Not to mention all the costs!

I can try the myofascial release again, which I am totally good with, but we need to see if there is something causing the miscarriages first..

I just couldn't bear to go through that again, especially without trying to find out if it's somehow preventable.

Or, do we try a different road altogether? Do we start seriously looking into adoption?
I am starting to research because there is SO much information to go through on adoption and I want to know all our options.

So many question marks!!

I (we) want to do the right thing for our family - and not because I am afraid or unsure to do something else, because I understand it's not always easy, it's just nice to be a little prepared ya know!?

All I can do is pray and pray that the right paths will be revealed to us.
(and Soon! I am feeling impatient today!!)

Shannon :)

happy new year

Hello All - and a Happy New Year to ya!

So, the Colts are out of the playoffs, and the holidays are left behind..

Now What???

I dunno about you, but I'm relieved to get a breath for a moment.

Although I feel like I am juggling about 4 watermelons right now with other things..
I am still looking forward to this being a good year.

It's nice to feel the "clean slate" feeling that a new year brings.

Any resolutions?? I am not sure that I am making any "resolutions" persay, I am simply making some goals for our family.

Things to work on!
Oh so many things I'd like to work on, but sticking to my "one day at a time" motto, and doing what I can do.

I will write more soon.. just letting everyone know we've survived the holidays and welcoming the new year!

Decorating December

I have about 15 minutes before my next batch of cookies is done....

One more Christmas celebration!

What a month this has been! I SO enjoy many parts of the holiday season, and some parts, not so much.

This year we cut back on buying - just bought for "the kids" in the family. I have to say, I really missed buying for the adults AND wrapping all the presents. I just love wrapping!
And it's fun searching out that perfect gift for people, maybe it's the challenge, and then the great satisfaction when you finally find it!?

We've had a great time with our nephews, and cousins, and trying to help them with their new toys and games.

So far I feel like I've kept myself together and have tried not to dwell on the thoughts in the back of my head... like, aww, i wish i was buying for my own little boy or girl...

It did take me a while to get in the holiday spirit though. I told my husband Jesse that i did not want to put up a tree this year. or decorate.

He kept prompting for us to get out the Christmas stuff.. so we finally did.

I didn't really care about putting up the tree still though.. I just didn't feel like getting into all the "stuff" of Christmas. All the "baggage" and formalities.

And I was feeling a bit down, a little blue..

However, my hubby put up the tree.. he even put on christmas music one night and started decorating the tree!! SO of course I just couldn't resist at that point..

Sometimes I just need a little encouragement i guess. But I also realized that the world wasn't going to fall apart if I didn't put up decorations. And I was okay with letting that go this year..
And we didn't HAVE to put them ALL up - and didn't!!

So anyway - that was my decoration drama.

What else.. ?

I did go to the Open Arms Memorial Service for lost infants and miscarriages. A friend and I ventured out, in the cold, in our anxiety, our nerves, our painful memories, our broken hearts, our weary spirits... all to pay tribute to our little lost babies, to let them know we love them, we long for them, we will always remember them, and to hopefully heal our souls a little bit.



I didn't really have a hard time until we lit our candles and then they said to blow them out..
"I was like, what? I don't want to blow it out.." it had somehow made me feel closer to my little ones..the warmth and glow, the light, the "realness" of the candle representing them..

I didn't know what to say when we had to go up to the mic and say the name of your lost baby, and pick an angel ornament off the little tree.

We hadn't named either of our babies, and I didn't want to say like baby stephenson 1 and baby stephenson 2!! And I'm not one for public speaking, but thankfully they had someone up there to say the name if you wanted. So I had her say "Baby Stephenson" and in my head just hoped that it would be okay, and that would be representing both losses.

I'm glad I went this one time, but probably wouldn't go again.

I've been talking to Jesse about doing some testing to see if we can find out why i am miscarrying. and then maybe try fertility treatments again - either the myofascial release or the fertility drugs. we'll see.

I've also been praying about the option of adopting. I think i would like to someday, but not sure if that's supposed to be our next step, or farther down the road.
who knows!?!?!

Well, I hope everyone has a Great New Years! I'm looking forward to a brand new year!
I'll try to post more. I've been avoiding the computer totally. I felt like I had a technology overload for a while.

the start of a rough couple days..

Today was difficult.

I found out a co-worker's wife passed away after a long illness. Even so, even though we knew it was bound to happen, it was heart breaking!!!

I really didn't know her, except what he had said about her, but I felt like I knew her.. and you could see that he adored her.

Tears were sneaking up on me all day.. Even reading the sympathy cards, and walking through the store.. it was the love they shared that radiated from him that had touched me so, and the loss he must feel..

There is nothing we can do to prepare for a loss like that.

It scares the crap out of me!

So that pretty much set me on my emotional roller-coaster of a day.

This Thursday night is the Open Arms Memorial Service for lost infants and pregnancies.

Late morning I found out that the deadline for submitting any special words or poems, etc, was today at noon..so i decided to try and write something while at work, which probably wasn't a good idea but I REALLY wanted to submit something. I did it, glad i did, but that contributed to the roller coaster I was on..

I muddled through work. Feeling kinda "off" today - not sure if it's stress or what!? But really, physically feeling off.

My tummy gets swimmy and anxious, and my head gets light and fuzzy when i think about going on Thursday, but I really think it will be a good thing.

It's hard to face things you know will make you sad. But i guess it's part of the healing process, part of life.

I hate that death is a "part" of life.

I of course believe that there is something much more wonderful on the other side of this life... but I guess it's the fact that others are leaving with out us,
that we don't know exactly what's there, or what they are doing,
how we are to continue without them, or how much longer til we can see them again..
or sometimes meet them for the first time....

hmm. my heart is heavy tonite.

Thanksgiving Festivities Week

I am finally starting to come down from the high of this week's festivities..

We dropped off my sister and her fiance today at the airport.. :(

..sniff sniff..

They are in the air as we speak, headed back to sunny California

(i'm sure they are happy to shed their coats! Especially since the ones they had to wear were Jesse & I's semi-matching coats that we got from his grandma last year.... hee hee. since theirs were inconveniently still in new york since -oops- they didn't think they'd need them in Cali!)

We really enjoyed them being here and staying with us this past week. My sister is a 'twin soul' to me! I would love for them to be here on a permanent basis, but, I know her heart is elsewhere..

I have to say Thanksgiving festivities were awesome this year. We had THREE this year!!! (not all in one day)

Wednesday night my hubby and I had a wonderful dinner out with my mom and brother, sister and fiance.

This was in lieu of a "traditional" thanksgiving dinner since there were already so many other plans on Thursday. I am SO thankful that my mom is willing to bend her schedule and create new traditions with us, and for us..

I totally understand that others aren't able to change around thanksgiving meals and cater to jesse and I and that is perfectly fine so please don't think anything of it.

I am just happy we can see (almost) everyone in our crazy thanksgiving whirlwind and am thankful for understanding family.

(there are still others we don't get to see, so we'll just have to plan a post-thanksgiving bash!!)

(my mom isn't really that short, she is sitting on a stool... but my 14 year old brother really IS that tall!!!!! He is actually leaning over! oh where did my "little" brother go???)

Thursday we had lunch with my dad and stepmom's family - where my sister's fiance Jeff was introduced to pretty much all our family. I have to say, I think he was a hit!

Of course I already thought he was great, but it is SO nerve racking meeting family, especially future in-laws, but he made it.... shew!

OH - AND my dogs liked him so that was the big test! :)

Our Second (and final) stop on Thursday was at my husband's grandma's house.. where I take part in the annual coloring of a paper turkey coloring page with his younger cousins (ages 6 & 8)

This year we made it like a "real life" turkey, on a farm. And later we drew a poster of an "alien turkey" on mars! :) Always fun!

SO Yea, Talk about stuffed!!!!

We are totally eating veggies only the rest of the week .. well .. after we eat all the left overs we scored first!! :)

SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!

Tis the Season to be Thankful

I got a call back from the lady at the support group. She said they meet in the "Community Relations Room" but it is off-site!

So, me, the very directionally challenged individual that I am.. did not pay attention to the physical address listed.. I just assumed that the hospital was the location.

I will need to mapquest it so i actually know where i'm going this time.

We'll just call it a practice run!

Part of me feels bad for being short in my voicemail.. but part of me doesn't. It would be helpful to have some clarification in the literature. but anyways, I will try again next time! There's one on this Thursday at another hospital i might try.

My husband and I had a "spill our guts" conversation last weekend that was good, and much needed to continue healing. I know it helped me alot.

There have been some recent days that getting out of bed and going to work was one of the hardest things to do. And days that I had to take a personal day to deal with my crazy self.

We are looking forward to next weekend - my sister and her fiance are coming to visit and staying with us for a week! I just cannot wait!!
It's nice having something to look forward to, and giving me things to do as I prepare for their visit.

Holidays are difficult, watching kids with Santa and seeing their eyes glowing, and opening presents... I smile and laugh and get a warmth and happiness when I see it, but immediately after i get a stabbing pain in my heart and a sinking sick feeling in my stomach... I swallow hard and try to make it go away and not cry.

it can be embarassing to be such a cry baby at times, but i'm an emotional chick and that's also where i am in life right now.... so i just try to always have kleenexes! :)

There are a couple memorial services for Christmas that honor the lost little ones. I would like to go, and think I will, but i think it will take some pray for preparation.. it will be difficult.

I am grieving and praying for a friend that has lost a little angel, and she was due the day after Christmas. (Keep holding on girl! God gives us hope, and gives rest to the weary.)

I know it intensifies all the emotions, especially around a holiday, and dealing with the due date passing by and not having a little one to hold..

I have had thoughts recently about how this would have been the 1st Christmas for our first loss.. but, what other place to celebrate Jesus but in Heaven??
I long for my lost babies, but wow, they are spending christmas with the Lord.

What else could a momma wish for her baby if he/she couldn't be in her arms?

I continue to thank god for sending people into my life to help me through this trial..
I started talking to a lady who cometimes makes copies in my office as she doesn't have one and is just down the hall.
Somehow we got on the topic of infertility (she is a Nurse and you just never know what you'll end up talking about with nurses :) I mean that in a good way! I love them!) Anyway, her daughter went through infertility and now has a couple kids, but she is going to have her call me.

It's amazing how many women are effected by this problem, i am finding out. And how many have went thru the pain of waiting, and still are.
In a strange way it is encouraging because it means I am not alone.. WE are not alone in this journey.... but dang, it is a friggin' roller coaster!

just me and an empty room..

SO, I know it's been a while, but today I just need to vocalize some frustration!!

I had been debating about going to a support group for bereavement - this group is only for miscarriage and infant loss.. there was one posted for the 2nd tuesday of each month..today.

So I stalled a bit after work, stopped at the store, took the long way towards home in case i decided I wanted to go to the support group - it didn't start until 7p and i didn't want to drive home then drive back to the southside so i needed to kill some time... anyway i finally found my way to st francis's parking lot and decided to go inside.
FINALLY I find the "Community Room" and what do I see? A dark room.

hmm. well, I am a couple minutes early i thought.. so i wandered down the hall and back..

still no one. i check the schedule posted..no support group on there.

i talk to the front desk attendant, he doesn't know anything either.

I waited a few more minutes, but alas.. no show!

What kind of support group is that?!?
I plan to make a call tomorrow because it is posted on-line and everything.
It was really hard to get the guts to drag myself there to talk about something I don't REALLY want to talk about.

There's another one in a couple weeks at a different hospital, so I plan to try that one.
I should probably call first to make sure someone will be there!! :P

okay, sorry for the rant, just peeved at the "support" offered by our community!

One day at a time..

Thursday October 16th marked the one year "anniversary" of losing our 1st pregnancy.
Honestly I tried not to think about it much because it's very difficult.

Not sure where we will go from this point, but right now, just taking things one day at a time.
We have been so blessed to have so much support and prayers..
I know I say that alot but no matter what happens, I have to remember our many blessings..
So, from here... ??
I have no idea.

I don't want to have a negative attitude, but right now I don't want to have to deal with another loss! So don't know if I wanna even try again .. for now. We, or at least I, need some time.

The grieving has been so different this time and I just don't know how or when I'll feel "normal" again (if there IS a such thing!)

Returning back to work the following Monday, I felt like, "well-here I am-just me-by myself-no more sharing my body-bringing life-no more looking forward to a due date, to seeing a baby grow, to being a momma."
(not trying to be depressing here, just sharing my thoughts and the processing of things in my head)

This mindset.. I have to work on freeing myself from. Finding things to look forward to...
Keeping God's plan in mind..whatever that is.

It's hard not to question God's plan, his "motives" for the things that happen.

No one said being a Christian was easy, that's for sure.
It's so easy to get angry at God; to say screw this-why am I having to struggle so much here!?

But geez, do I get slapped in the face when I get in that mode! ARGH!

I get a heartache and my mind fills with thoughts of homeless, and hungry children, of the sick and diseased and of those with loss who have no source of hope......

And sometimes that makes me mad too... like thanks a lot god, I was enjoying my pity party over here okay!? Why you gotta go there?

So here we are, facing one complicated day at a time.

But in the midst of my complicated days.. I have also found beauty..

I hate to have a post filled with doom and gloom because there are spectacular things that happen to me on a daily basis -

I was driving home yesterday from a day with my mom and brother..
And the sun, the breeze, the crisp air, the golden palet of autumn colors was so wonderful and striking.
Can't help but breathe in the beauty and let it fill your soul, if only for a few short moments before returning to the chaos of the world..

Those moments are what makes life worth living! just have to remember to find them, or let them find us, and enjoy them, and internalize them so we don't forget on our bad days....

(and yes, I am preaching at myself right now!)

A Change of Plans

As of today, things are progressing naturally...

I was scheduled for a d&c tomorrow morning, but apparently god had other plans.

The worst part was being at work when my cramping and everything started, but I was able to call my dear hubby to pick me up (hee hee, dear..I don't think I've ever called him that!)
And my co-workers and boss are so amazing, they helped me get everything resolved and packed away in nearly minutes!!

So, to the doctor's office we went. He wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure things were clearing out like they should. and they were.

The down side to not doing the procedure is I have to go through the process, however long that takes. And they can't do any testing on the "tissue" as they call it (um, it's a baby, thanks) to see if there were any chromosome issues, etc.

But, if that's how God meant it to be, than I am okay with that.
I am a bit relieved to be able to go through things more naturally, vs someone I don't know taking an intimate piece of me to a lab..

Plus there were risks .. but I was willing to risk it if it was the best thing for the future.

Tomorrow we'll have some other blood tests - I can't even remember what they are for right now..

I am SO thankful for the outpouring of support, hugs and prayers from friends and family!

We are so blessed I can't nearly bring to words my appreciation and how much it has meant to us.

Here's the Latest....

The best way I can say this.. is, Jesse and I are continuing to build a heavenly family..

2 Weeks ago we thought we were on our way to see and hear our babies heartbeat, thinking we were about 9 wks pregnant.

The most wonderful part about this is we had no help from fertility meds!!!! I have to give credit my Aunt LeAnne (Lecare & Associates) for her myfacial release treatments because we have tried for a long time on our own with no luck - so this is quite a feat in itself to conceive the way God intended!!! (and of course all the prayers)

So walking into the building for our 1st ultrasound, I was anxious, nervous, excited... thinking how this day would change our world forever.

I could tell right away that the doctor looked puzzled.. and he started asking questions..

The image on the screen he said only looked about 5 wks (from conception, which would actually be 7 wks in "pregnancy" terms and according to pregnancy caluculations since they calculate from the first day of the last period... anyway, it is really confusing!!)

So we were doing some figuring and trying to see if it was possible that we were just off with the gestational age - it was possible, but the doctor was already talking about miscarriage and "when couples miscarry 2 times" etc. etc.. i was very annoyed by his pessimistic attitude!

We scheduled a couple blood tests to measure the pregnancy hormone -

The 1st one was high and measured in the right range

But the 2nd one dipped down..

I did not want to give up and refused to be defeated!
I searched on the internet about the hcg level dropping and if the pregnancy could still carry full term..
It said it wasn't a good thing but there were cases where it has happened...

So I clung to the little hope I had left.

The slim possibility that we could still have this precious baby.

It was difficult to think that we would be back peddling 2 wks too - we'd have to keep waiting to tell people, all the books I'd been reading about how the baby developed in wk 9.. would have to be re-read in 2 wks.. but, I was still happy to be 'with child'

The following week, we had a follow up ultrasound, and again, only measuring 5 wks.
no growth.
not good.

I made the doctor explain and consider things this time as he likes to do his thing and vanish and we're left with questions! so frustrating!

AND Before he even did the ultrasound - he was already calling it a miscarriage! Maybe it's just me, but geez, give people a chance to have a little hope!?!? Am I wrong?????

He offered to do another test and wait 2 wks for another scan...if I wanted to keep checking, trying, hoping..

But, after talking to some of my co-workers who have been through these experiences, and are nurses who have even worked in that field.. our decision to continue waiting and hoping turned to .. let's just do another blood draw to see if the pregnancy hormone levels are still dropping and go from there.

That is the tell-tale sign that the pregnancy is failing. After 3 days of phone calls to the doctor's office to get some friggin' information and tests ordered - the results came in.

the levels were down again. significantly..

So. there I was. numb and fragile - and having to chose the option of a d&c, to allow a doctor to remove our baby surgically. to offer up into the arms of the Lord our second baby.

It is most difficult that we will not get to see this one either... I just want to see our babies! Well that's not all, I want to hold them and love them and raise them and nurture them and grow with them......

I'm scheduled this Thursday for the procedure.
I am quite anxious about being put under, and just having to go through this horrible process. I think Jesse might even be more nervous about me having to do this.

We would appreciate your prayers during this time of adjusting and grieving and getting back on track once again....

I'm changing doctors after this because I'm just not happy with the way things went down.
And as soon as we heal, and can move forward, we will.
Things happened on their own so we have faith that it can happen again!

Who knows why this happened.. I refuse to beat myself up about it and go through the "why me's" of it - I just will not allow myself to go through that again -
I do believe I've gotten stronger over the past year and God will continue to work in our lives!!

PS - it was a year ago yesterday that I found out I was pregnant for the first time - still one of the best days of my life and I will cherish it always!!! :)
It will always be special, each time it happens it is a blessing and we'll remember our tiny babies in heaven always.

Blessings to you all ~ Thank you all for being so supportive to us!!

Hair Pic & Anniversary Stuff

So I got my hair cut last weekend - here is the pic finally!
It's mostly one layer, angled toward the front, and stacked a little in the back.
Whadda think?

This weekend was my hubby and I's 5 year anniversary! :)
We've actually been together for 9 years which just sounds so much more impressive!! Hard to believe it's been that long really... time flies!

It was such a nice and laid back weekend, we really enjoyed it. We originally had planned to go out to eat to this fancy restaurant but it started pouring down rain... so we ordered pizza instead... we are just as content hangin out together at home with pizza and a movie than going out somewhere.



For a wedding present we got a wedding time capsule, so we've made it a tradition (well, I have, hee hee) to add something to it each year - and read some of the answers we wrote in a couple years ago.


It's kinda fun to see how things change each year. So that was our Saturday evening!


This year we wrote a note to ourselves and each other to open in 5 yrs! Which will be really hard for me not to open earlier!!!! we'll see..

Hope you are all having a good week - Happy Autumn!!!

Quiet on the home front

Things have settled down a bit and this week has gone pretty well.

Update on the baby stuff: we're still trying without the help of fertility meds.
Hoping to have some news either way in the next couple weeks, so will keep you all posted.

Trying not to be too anxious about it all..

So, in other news.. I totally rocked it in Fantasy Footbal this week! I am so excited!! I am actually tied for 2nd out of 10 people in our league. not too shabby if I do say so myself!

I really don't have a lot to say today, just sending a quick hello.

Oh, I got my hair cut today - shorter than I've ever had it, but I think I like it. Maybe I will post a pic.
No color this time, since there isn't any hard evidence if dying hair can affect a fetus I'd rather be safe than sorry, or have a reason to blame myself if something happened! (just in case ya know!)

My husband had a silly question for me today.. why do women feel the need to drive across the city to get their hair done? UM? I love my hair gal! She is awesome and has never done a bad job, so what is the question?

This is like my one splurgey thing.. I love to go to Static Salon in Broadripple! So if you need a good hair person, and are willing to go an extra mile or two.. go there! (and of course tell them I sent you :)

Alrighty, I am all out of fabulous tidbits to tell you!
I feel pretty lame, but hey what can I say? :)

Adios!

Trying To Get Real

Nothing spectacular to post about. Just a little 'hello' to everyone!

I don't think I've been living up to what I really wanted to be/do with this blog...

My intentions were to be more transparent and upfront about our journey but I feel like I could be doing better at that...

It's been a bit of a roller coaster month and my emotions have risen and plummetted day to day..or more like hour to hour!

It was at a funeral - of all places (or not, maybe that's what's supposed to happen there?) - that I had a shift in my perception.. it didn't stay with me afterward really- just later as I reflected, but during the short service, I was filled with both joy and sorrow...

I hate seeing anyone losing a spouse and it makes me think of the "what-ifs" that just tear me in two. so that was part of the sorrow.

I was sad to lose this person from our family who was such a strong influential christian example.

But I was joyful for the life he led, the legacy he left behind, and the eternal life he had moved on to......

Here is where my 'shift' was.. I'm always so focused on the NOW. and what I want right NOW!

I know I've probably said this before - but I just hate that I slip back into this mind frame....
How do we stay focused on the eternal?

I get so frustrated with myself! I guess just life takes us there..

That's really only the tip of the iceberg this month...

Between fighting sinuses (yeah, what is up with the allergy season this year??)
Mending family hurts and illnesses, taking family to the er, getting dogs allergy meds....
Trying not to lose my job from being a crazy person and having to take last minute days off...
And trying to be a supportive wife as my hubby has multiple band practices in our house...
And of course the usual birthday parties and gatherings... and of course I decided to join fantasy football league this year!! (okay, parties and football - not bad things!)

SO anyway.. I am pretty much battling my hormones, my selfish being, and trying to stay focused on whatever it is that I'm supposed to be focused on. :) (god help me!) :)

YOWZA... anyone else ready for a new "season" ?? I am! Bring on autumn already!

(p.s. - I think my dog just yacked on the floor - I use that word because that's what it sounded like.... nice)

Summer Days.. Drifting away..

WOW! I can't believe it's been almost a month since I last posted! Sorry all!

My hubby and I, along with my 14 yo brother went to visit my sister in California.

It was a wonderful trip, good to get away for a week, to see somewhere I've never seen before, and of course to get to spend time with my sister and her fiance.

Other than that, have been taking things easy, just working on the house (which seems to be a never ending project for me!?!?) spending time with family and friends - there are a lot of birthdays in the summer - so it's been nice!

I've been getting migraines a lot more frequently - I've actually had a migraine or headache for the last 6 days!!

My doctor is running some more blood tests to see if it's thyroid or hormone related..

the crappy part is that I can't take preventative medicine, which is probably what I need to do, because we are trying to get pregnant! That stuff is not approved to take with pregnancy.

SO... we'll see what the results say, and see if there is anything I can actually do about it.

It really makes getting myself out of bed and to work a difficult task some days. I don't like to drive in the bright sunshine even with my shades on when I have these headaches.
They're not incapacitating, but, at the very least, extremely distracting and persistant.

I have some really expensive medicine I take (until we get pregnant) which helps sometimes.

Anyway. that is that story....

I'm still going to see my stepaunt Leanne for the myofascial release once a week.

Although the immediate results are not always pleasant, the sessions are always therapeutic in some way. (our bodies react to the therapy different every time, sometimes good, sometimes not so good) But the trick is to let yourself FEEL whatever it is that is coming out of it. It's the bodies way of healing....

It is so neat the way our bodies and minds are interconnected - seriously - if you haven't ever read about this, you should.

So it's been very healing and I truly believe things are getting better on the inside too - physically and emotionally!

Some might think it sounds kinda wacky, but being a Christian person, I believe God made us amazing creatures!
Going through this whole experience has strengthened my belief in that even more!

So far, we haven't been able to get pregnant again, at this point. But we are continuing to try and seek guidance, patience, peace, and hold on to God's love.

I'll try and post more often. It's been a busy month! :)

Lazy Day

I'm SO enjoying this lazy morning!

Although I was up until 1am, catching up on the technology I've been avoiding all week..
reading e-mail, myspace, facebook, blogs..
watching my dvr of random t.v. shows...

"So you think you can dance?" I really do think I can dance after watching this show..even though they are amazing and I am not.. I can still pretend to do all the amazing leaps and spins they do.. all the while looking totally ridiculous in my pj's at home! :)

"Army Wives" - accidentally stumbled on this show and was wrapped up in it.. it makes me think of all the people serving now and their families..

"The baby borrowers" - this is hilarious by the way -teenagers that 'borrow' babies because they either WANT to HAVE babies already, or think it would just be FUN..
They are boyfriend/girlfriend and have to take care of the baby, and one has to go to work.
I hope lots of teenagers watch this show - it shows the 'ugly' side of parenting and hopefully will knock some sense into some of them! Still is funny though...

Anyway ~ I just totally enjoyed engrossing myself.

Today I am getting ready to rejoin reality..... sort of.. I am reading up on San Francisco!!

We leave in exactly ONE week and I am SO excited to see my sister!

My hubby, brother and I will be there for almost a week ~ staying with my sister and her fiance.

I CANNOT WAIT!!

For sure will miss my 2 doggies but the will be staying w/ my mom. sniff. sniff :(

Okay, so sorry this is sorta lame.. but this is my morning!

Still actively trying for baby. So far have had 5 sessions of myofascial release therapy.

So this will be our first time trying after multiple sessions of therapy - prayerfully..prayerfully..prayerfully this will be it (I am going to say this everytime until it happens!)

I know God has been guiding us through this process and will continue to be with us!

Happy Fourth of July!