just along for the ride..

So I've been avoiding posting anything lately. Mainly because most people would see my last month of life to be somewhat of a "train-wreck."

when actually, I feel like it's been.. necessary.

In my previous job I felt very trapped in the same day to day exsistence, and most days did not feel any amount of satisfaction from the work I had done.
I was helpful of course, but it just wasn't fulfilling.

After much prayer, I decided to take a leap into another job that I felt was God sending me a 'way out' of the undertow from which I was suffocating.

It was an amazing whirlwind of chaos, flowers, phones, orders, deadlines, last minute changes, rush desicions, papers, machines, cold rooms, typing in gloves, bows and ribbons, casket sprays and flowers, boquets and notes, and achoo-allergies! All followed by a quick bite of food and bathroom break if you're lucky!! SHEW!

As fabulous as I thought it would be to "work with flowers" all day, and "manage the front of store" The ferverent pace quickly wore me down, and somehow when considering this position, I must have repressed the fact that I have allergies! So working in a cooler all day with allergies also brought me down quickly.

I'm explaining all this because, I know, that for whatever reason, this was an experience I needed to have.

The store owner who is a great christian woman was able to show me her strengths as she worked amidst the stress, and even allowed a homeless man off the street to work for her so he could earn a few dollars. When other people probably wouldn't have trusted him... she showed him God's love! SO anyway, she was great to work with.... and when things were all said and done and I realized it was not going to be a good fit, she understood.

She reassured me that God's hand was in all of this.

And so, here I am. At a brand spanking new job, not knowing what the heck to expect next in life at this point. I don't mind my new job, it is a job. Is it where God wants me for the time being? I suppose.

I do feel like I am on a train that is tipping back and forth, trying to fly off the tracks, but somehow, barely hanging on.

Most days, I am okay. Today I am not.

I dunno if someone is playing a cruel joke or something.. actually, i'm sure it's from something I signed up for on a website at some point, but it feels like a cruel joke...

BUT, I received a box with several trial sized containers of Similac baby formula in the mail this week.. YAY!

I tell ya, it took everything I had in me not to hurl the box down the street.

I think my actual words were, oh that's lovely, but inside I felt like throwing it.
My next thought was though, do i know anyone that could use this? ( I hate things going to waste!)

So that might have set me off. Gave me the little push down the hill, snowballing until I'm brought to tears thinking that my due date would have been in April.. I honestly hadn't thought about that in months!

I've of course had the sharp pains in my stomach, heart, and head when seeing a pregnant lady or someone with a stroller, but I have grown a bit stronger with that recently, or maybe I have just been stuffing in all inside? hmpf. whatev.

So at the advice of my aunt... I'm am trying to let myself "FEEL" today. Giving myself permission, because sometimes I think it needs it in order to really let go.

This past month (or like 5 wks) has felt like a lifetime! But I still feel like I'm stumbling up the path I'm supposed to be on.. there's just a lot of rocks, and bolders.. and giant mega redwood trees blocking some of the areas I need to step.

Oh Yeah, P.S. the tests I had run in January all came out normal, so no help there.