Decorating December

I have about 15 minutes before my next batch of cookies is done....

One more Christmas celebration!

What a month this has been! I SO enjoy many parts of the holiday season, and some parts, not so much.

This year we cut back on buying - just bought for "the kids" in the family. I have to say, I really missed buying for the adults AND wrapping all the presents. I just love wrapping!
And it's fun searching out that perfect gift for people, maybe it's the challenge, and then the great satisfaction when you finally find it!?

We've had a great time with our nephews, and cousins, and trying to help them with their new toys and games.

So far I feel like I've kept myself together and have tried not to dwell on the thoughts in the back of my head... like, aww, i wish i was buying for my own little boy or girl...

It did take me a while to get in the holiday spirit though. I told my husband Jesse that i did not want to put up a tree this year. or decorate.

He kept prompting for us to get out the Christmas stuff.. so we finally did.

I didn't really care about putting up the tree still though.. I just didn't feel like getting into all the "stuff" of Christmas. All the "baggage" and formalities.

And I was feeling a bit down, a little blue..

However, my hubby put up the tree.. he even put on christmas music one night and started decorating the tree!! SO of course I just couldn't resist at that point..

Sometimes I just need a little encouragement i guess. But I also realized that the world wasn't going to fall apart if I didn't put up decorations. And I was okay with letting that go this year..
And we didn't HAVE to put them ALL up - and didn't!!

So anyway - that was my decoration drama.

What else.. ?

I did go to the Open Arms Memorial Service for lost infants and miscarriages. A friend and I ventured out, in the cold, in our anxiety, our nerves, our painful memories, our broken hearts, our weary spirits... all to pay tribute to our little lost babies, to let them know we love them, we long for them, we will always remember them, and to hopefully heal our souls a little bit.



I didn't really have a hard time until we lit our candles and then they said to blow them out..
"I was like, what? I don't want to blow it out.." it had somehow made me feel closer to my little ones..the warmth and glow, the light, the "realness" of the candle representing them..

I didn't know what to say when we had to go up to the mic and say the name of your lost baby, and pick an angel ornament off the little tree.

We hadn't named either of our babies, and I didn't want to say like baby stephenson 1 and baby stephenson 2!! And I'm not one for public speaking, but thankfully they had someone up there to say the name if you wanted. So I had her say "Baby Stephenson" and in my head just hoped that it would be okay, and that would be representing both losses.

I'm glad I went this one time, but probably wouldn't go again.

I've been talking to Jesse about doing some testing to see if we can find out why i am miscarrying. and then maybe try fertility treatments again - either the myofascial release or the fertility drugs. we'll see.

I've also been praying about the option of adopting. I think i would like to someday, but not sure if that's supposed to be our next step, or farther down the road.
who knows!?!?!

Well, I hope everyone has a Great New Years! I'm looking forward to a brand new year!
I'll try to post more. I've been avoiding the computer totally. I felt like I had a technology overload for a while.