One day at a time..

Thursday October 16th marked the one year "anniversary" of losing our 1st pregnancy.
Honestly I tried not to think about it much because it's very difficult.

Not sure where we will go from this point, but right now, just taking things one day at a time.
We have been so blessed to have so much support and prayers..
I know I say that alot but no matter what happens, I have to remember our many blessings..
So, from here... ??
I have no idea.

I don't want to have a negative attitude, but right now I don't want to have to deal with another loss! So don't know if I wanna even try again .. for now. We, or at least I, need some time.

The grieving has been so different this time and I just don't know how or when I'll feel "normal" again (if there IS a such thing!)

Returning back to work the following Monday, I felt like, "well-here I am-just me-by myself-no more sharing my body-bringing life-no more looking forward to a due date, to seeing a baby grow, to being a momma."
(not trying to be depressing here, just sharing my thoughts and the processing of things in my head)

This mindset.. I have to work on freeing myself from. Finding things to look forward to...
Keeping God's plan in mind..whatever that is.

It's hard not to question God's plan, his "motives" for the things that happen.

No one said being a Christian was easy, that's for sure.
It's so easy to get angry at God; to say screw this-why am I having to struggle so much here!?

But geez, do I get slapped in the face when I get in that mode! ARGH!

I get a heartache and my mind fills with thoughts of homeless, and hungry children, of the sick and diseased and of those with loss who have no source of hope......

And sometimes that makes me mad too... like thanks a lot god, I was enjoying my pity party over here okay!? Why you gotta go there?

So here we are, facing one complicated day at a time.

But in the midst of my complicated days.. I have also found beauty..

I hate to have a post filled with doom and gloom because there are spectacular things that happen to me on a daily basis -

I was driving home yesterday from a day with my mom and brother..
And the sun, the breeze, the crisp air, the golden palet of autumn colors was so wonderful and striking.
Can't help but breathe in the beauty and let it fill your soul, if only for a few short moments before returning to the chaos of the world..

Those moments are what makes life worth living! just have to remember to find them, or let them find us, and enjoy them, and internalize them so we don't forget on our bad days....

(and yes, I am preaching at myself right now!)

A Change of Plans

As of today, things are progressing naturally...

I was scheduled for a d&c tomorrow morning, but apparently god had other plans.

The worst part was being at work when my cramping and everything started, but I was able to call my dear hubby to pick me up (hee hee, dear..I don't think I've ever called him that!)
And my co-workers and boss are so amazing, they helped me get everything resolved and packed away in nearly minutes!!

So, to the doctor's office we went. He wanted to do an ultrasound to make sure things were clearing out like they should. and they were.

The down side to not doing the procedure is I have to go through the process, however long that takes. And they can't do any testing on the "tissue" as they call it (um, it's a baby, thanks) to see if there were any chromosome issues, etc.

But, if that's how God meant it to be, than I am okay with that.
I am a bit relieved to be able to go through things more naturally, vs someone I don't know taking an intimate piece of me to a lab..

Plus there were risks .. but I was willing to risk it if it was the best thing for the future.

Tomorrow we'll have some other blood tests - I can't even remember what they are for right now..

I am SO thankful for the outpouring of support, hugs and prayers from friends and family!

We are so blessed I can't nearly bring to words my appreciation and how much it has meant to us.

Here's the Latest....

The best way I can say this.. is, Jesse and I are continuing to build a heavenly family..

2 Weeks ago we thought we were on our way to see and hear our babies heartbeat, thinking we were about 9 wks pregnant.

The most wonderful part about this is we had no help from fertility meds!!!! I have to give credit my Aunt LeAnne (Lecare & Associates) for her myfacial release treatments because we have tried for a long time on our own with no luck - so this is quite a feat in itself to conceive the way God intended!!! (and of course all the prayers)

So walking into the building for our 1st ultrasound, I was anxious, nervous, excited... thinking how this day would change our world forever.

I could tell right away that the doctor looked puzzled.. and he started asking questions..

The image on the screen he said only looked about 5 wks (from conception, which would actually be 7 wks in "pregnancy" terms and according to pregnancy caluculations since they calculate from the first day of the last period... anyway, it is really confusing!!)

So we were doing some figuring and trying to see if it was possible that we were just off with the gestational age - it was possible, but the doctor was already talking about miscarriage and "when couples miscarry 2 times" etc. etc.. i was very annoyed by his pessimistic attitude!

We scheduled a couple blood tests to measure the pregnancy hormone -

The 1st one was high and measured in the right range

But the 2nd one dipped down..

I did not want to give up and refused to be defeated!
I searched on the internet about the hcg level dropping and if the pregnancy could still carry full term..
It said it wasn't a good thing but there were cases where it has happened...

So I clung to the little hope I had left.

The slim possibility that we could still have this precious baby.

It was difficult to think that we would be back peddling 2 wks too - we'd have to keep waiting to tell people, all the books I'd been reading about how the baby developed in wk 9.. would have to be re-read in 2 wks.. but, I was still happy to be 'with child'

The following week, we had a follow up ultrasound, and again, only measuring 5 wks.
no growth.
not good.

I made the doctor explain and consider things this time as he likes to do his thing and vanish and we're left with questions! so frustrating!

AND Before he even did the ultrasound - he was already calling it a miscarriage! Maybe it's just me, but geez, give people a chance to have a little hope!?!? Am I wrong?????

He offered to do another test and wait 2 wks for another scan...if I wanted to keep checking, trying, hoping..

But, after talking to some of my co-workers who have been through these experiences, and are nurses who have even worked in that field.. our decision to continue waiting and hoping turned to .. let's just do another blood draw to see if the pregnancy hormone levels are still dropping and go from there.

That is the tell-tale sign that the pregnancy is failing. After 3 days of phone calls to the doctor's office to get some friggin' information and tests ordered - the results came in.

the levels were down again. significantly..

So. there I was. numb and fragile - and having to chose the option of a d&c, to allow a doctor to remove our baby surgically. to offer up into the arms of the Lord our second baby.

It is most difficult that we will not get to see this one either... I just want to see our babies! Well that's not all, I want to hold them and love them and raise them and nurture them and grow with them......

I'm scheduled this Thursday for the procedure.
I am quite anxious about being put under, and just having to go through this horrible process. I think Jesse might even be more nervous about me having to do this.

We would appreciate your prayers during this time of adjusting and grieving and getting back on track once again....

I'm changing doctors after this because I'm just not happy with the way things went down.
And as soon as we heal, and can move forward, we will.
Things happened on their own so we have faith that it can happen again!

Who knows why this happened.. I refuse to beat myself up about it and go through the "why me's" of it - I just will not allow myself to go through that again -
I do believe I've gotten stronger over the past year and God will continue to work in our lives!!

PS - it was a year ago yesterday that I found out I was pregnant for the first time - still one of the best days of my life and I will cherish it always!!! :)
It will always be special, each time it happens it is a blessing and we'll remember our tiny babies in heaven always.

Blessings to you all ~ Thank you all for being so supportive to us!!