The Close of Another Chapter...

I guess it would only be a secret if the test was positive...
Blood Test confirmed it's a negative for babyville. bummer.

Found out on Monday but just haven't really known the words to share.

It's a major let down of course. I honestly don't know how people do this for years!! It is such a draining experience.

So now we are left with the "what now?" question... the answer is.. we don't know!

I don't know if I can do this all again in another 2 months. My body, my MIND!

Part of me wonders if God is giving me an opportunity to take care of other things in my life before having children, or maybe he is just trying to teach me patience..
or maybe he wants to be sure we appreciate it??
or maybe it's just not meant to be!??! I hate to think that....

How frustrating to be spinning in place not knowing which direction to go.

The only thing I can do is pray for God's help. At times, there are no specific words or thoughts that I can produce in prayer.. simply... "help"

I guess that is where I am right now. Waiting on guidance as to - what next?

Thoughts of going back to school cross my mind... but to wait that long to start our family?
I dunno... it might be in the best interest of my little pseudo family for me to go back to school.. do I really want to change gears like this? dunno.

But what are you going to school for, you ask? dunno. Have to settle on something - which, again, need some guidance...

SO, with all that said ~ here we are. back at square one.

I know there are many other couples struggling with this same trial and my heart goes out to them, as well as my prayers..

In the midst of all of this, I've identified a tight knit bond that singles & couples with infertility challenges have. there is a common bond, a longing and angst, there is great hope, excitement, eagerness and tremedous love, and with that, a sense of urgency to share that love with a being created in love...

As we wrapped up the end of this cycle, with tears and hugs, prayer and hope... we had to focus on the positives, as always - because if you don't, let's face it.. you just go crazy! (don't get me wrong though... there hasn't been a day this week that I haven't shed a few tears!!!!)

Jesse's first "look on the bright side" statement was... at least you don't have to have a shot every day!
To which I responded.. and you don't have to give one! ;)

I've been able to enjoy a margarita and a diet coke! (oh how I missed you diet coke.....)

I am happy to have the "two week wait" over and know the results. (whether I like them or not)

And, we have this time, for whatever reason, to use for whatever purpose God has for us.

I'll continue to blog with whatever.. I have to admit, I kinda like it!

Love to you All!!!!!

ready and waiting..

That's been the theme for the past week.... ready and waiting.

Well, not sure how "READY" I am, can one ever really be ready for such a life changing experience? doubt it.

The beautiful weather has been a godsend though - it has really kept me a little preoccupied (I said a little!) and kept me active and helped me keep my mind off of things so much.

I was just taking in nature's beauty this weekend and feeling the warmth of the sun lift my spirits.
It's amazing to me what something like the weather can do to change your perspective or your attitude. It can give a refreshed outlook on life in the dreariest of times.

I was just happy to breathe it in and release all my anxiety and stresses.

Now, today is another story! BLEHCK!

However, I actually forgot all about my shots today. I had decided today was a relax and veg night and had settled in a cozy spot on the couch - when out of the corner of my eye I see the Ziploc back of syringe/needle supplies... Oh bummer... i forgot... crap.

Funny how we can squish the bad stuff out of our heads for a while..but sometimes, more often than not, they start creeping back in.. and we have to deal with them or squish them back again.

Yes, this is all sort of random. just thoughts.. as they pour from my head.

So back to the title - the waiting - and the waiting. that's all this process is really.. just waiting.
growing impatient. trying to think of how in the world will I pass the time between now and the moment we find out???
And no matter what the results.. it will be more waiting. UGH!!!!!

I really hate learning patience. I am not really the most patient person..
And certainly this has been one of the biggest trials of patience I have ever experienced.

I am also struggling a lot with what to eat/drink. My fasting glucose test came back high, so I am getting new meds and really need to be more strict with my diet. arg.
BUT - also have to limit all the stuff that's bad for pregnancy (just in case - no results yet!)

Just think if you wanted a snack but you can't have too many carbs or sugars in a day - what do you eat? yeah, nothing. I am at a loss...... I have been to a dietitian before in the past but not in this situation. So might need to set something up to figure this out!

So hard to be hungry but not want to eat because you don't know WHAT to eat!

Anyway... I think Jesse is pacing the floors waiting on me to watch survivor with him :)

It's so quiet right now... and irregardless of how yucky the weather seems today.. it's so nice to hear the sound of the rain. so calming and peaceful..

To Eat or not to Eat

It's amazing all the things you learn in this process. From all the books and magazines, it almost becomes an obsession to make sure everything you do or don't do is perfect!

In preparation for whatever happens I've decided to give up my diet drinks - which I really enjoy, although I really don't drink them much... the bubbly yumminess is calling my name right now! How a Diet Mt Dew just hits the spot sometimes! I have seen several times that having one cup of coffee is okay - so for now I am still having that to enjoy! We'll see how that goes further down the road. I know Jesse was very watchful before about what I ate and drink which I thought was really sweet!

Since my body is "insulin resistant" which is basically pre-diabetic (some people/doctors though don't believe in pre-diabetice, you either are or you're not)

So if you don't watch what you eat (sugar/carbs) and make some lifestyle changes (exercise) things can get worse and will end up diabetic - I am used to using splenda or equal, drinking diet etc..

But now, due to some reading I've done - I am choosing not to, just in case.
For me it is the little pleasures in life, so this is a giant challenge. I do have some "raw natural" sugar to use but since it is still sugar and not a substitute, have to be careful not to use too much!!!
(that way I can eat birthday cake at dinner - like I did last night!! heehee, It was SO DELICIOUS!) sorry, I have a weakness!

Anywho - all this has been swirling around in my head lately - checking labels and reading books.
like I said - Obsession.

So far I'm not obsessing too much over what the results will be - just trying to leave it in God's Hands.
I know that whatever happens is His will for our lives.
Whatever path, or fork in the road He leads us to, I know He will be there with us and will guide us through.

I'm not saying it will be easy by ANY means, no matter what happens. It's never easy.
I don't think I use the word easy in my vocab anymore!

But with all the support from everyone.. at least things can be easier.
We love you all!!!!! You are great! :)