Decorating December

I have about 15 minutes before my next batch of cookies is done....

One more Christmas celebration!

What a month this has been! I SO enjoy many parts of the holiday season, and some parts, not so much.

This year we cut back on buying - just bought for "the kids" in the family. I have to say, I really missed buying for the adults AND wrapping all the presents. I just love wrapping!
And it's fun searching out that perfect gift for people, maybe it's the challenge, and then the great satisfaction when you finally find it!?

We've had a great time with our nephews, and cousins, and trying to help them with their new toys and games.

So far I feel like I've kept myself together and have tried not to dwell on the thoughts in the back of my head... like, aww, i wish i was buying for my own little boy or girl...

It did take me a while to get in the holiday spirit though. I told my husband Jesse that i did not want to put up a tree this year. or decorate.

He kept prompting for us to get out the Christmas stuff.. so we finally did.

I didn't really care about putting up the tree still though.. I just didn't feel like getting into all the "stuff" of Christmas. All the "baggage" and formalities.

And I was feeling a bit down, a little blue..

However, my hubby put up the tree.. he even put on christmas music one night and started decorating the tree!! SO of course I just couldn't resist at that point..

Sometimes I just need a little encouragement i guess. But I also realized that the world wasn't going to fall apart if I didn't put up decorations. And I was okay with letting that go this year..
And we didn't HAVE to put them ALL up - and didn't!!

So anyway - that was my decoration drama.

What else.. ?

I did go to the Open Arms Memorial Service for lost infants and miscarriages. A friend and I ventured out, in the cold, in our anxiety, our nerves, our painful memories, our broken hearts, our weary spirits... all to pay tribute to our little lost babies, to let them know we love them, we long for them, we will always remember them, and to hopefully heal our souls a little bit.



I didn't really have a hard time until we lit our candles and then they said to blow them out..
"I was like, what? I don't want to blow it out.." it had somehow made me feel closer to my little ones..the warmth and glow, the light, the "realness" of the candle representing them..

I didn't know what to say when we had to go up to the mic and say the name of your lost baby, and pick an angel ornament off the little tree.

We hadn't named either of our babies, and I didn't want to say like baby stephenson 1 and baby stephenson 2!! And I'm not one for public speaking, but thankfully they had someone up there to say the name if you wanted. So I had her say "Baby Stephenson" and in my head just hoped that it would be okay, and that would be representing both losses.

I'm glad I went this one time, but probably wouldn't go again.

I've been talking to Jesse about doing some testing to see if we can find out why i am miscarrying. and then maybe try fertility treatments again - either the myofascial release or the fertility drugs. we'll see.

I've also been praying about the option of adopting. I think i would like to someday, but not sure if that's supposed to be our next step, or farther down the road.
who knows!?!?!

Well, I hope everyone has a Great New Years! I'm looking forward to a brand new year!
I'll try to post more. I've been avoiding the computer totally. I felt like I had a technology overload for a while.

the start of a rough couple days..

Today was difficult.

I found out a co-worker's wife passed away after a long illness. Even so, even though we knew it was bound to happen, it was heart breaking!!!

I really didn't know her, except what he had said about her, but I felt like I knew her.. and you could see that he adored her.

Tears were sneaking up on me all day.. Even reading the sympathy cards, and walking through the store.. it was the love they shared that radiated from him that had touched me so, and the loss he must feel..

There is nothing we can do to prepare for a loss like that.

It scares the crap out of me!

So that pretty much set me on my emotional roller-coaster of a day.

This Thursday night is the Open Arms Memorial Service for lost infants and pregnancies.

Late morning I found out that the deadline for submitting any special words or poems, etc, was today at noon..so i decided to try and write something while at work, which probably wasn't a good idea but I REALLY wanted to submit something. I did it, glad i did, but that contributed to the roller coaster I was on..

I muddled through work. Feeling kinda "off" today - not sure if it's stress or what!? But really, physically feeling off.

My tummy gets swimmy and anxious, and my head gets light and fuzzy when i think about going on Thursday, but I really think it will be a good thing.

It's hard to face things you know will make you sad. But i guess it's part of the healing process, part of life.

I hate that death is a "part" of life.

I of course believe that there is something much more wonderful on the other side of this life... but I guess it's the fact that others are leaving with out us,
that we don't know exactly what's there, or what they are doing,
how we are to continue without them, or how much longer til we can see them again..
or sometimes meet them for the first time....

hmm. my heart is heavy tonite.

Thanksgiving Festivities Week

I am finally starting to come down from the high of this week's festivities..

We dropped off my sister and her fiance today at the airport.. :(

..sniff sniff..

They are in the air as we speak, headed back to sunny California

(i'm sure they are happy to shed their coats! Especially since the ones they had to wear were Jesse & I's semi-matching coats that we got from his grandma last year.... hee hee. since theirs were inconveniently still in new york since -oops- they didn't think they'd need them in Cali!)

We really enjoyed them being here and staying with us this past week. My sister is a 'twin soul' to me! I would love for them to be here on a permanent basis, but, I know her heart is elsewhere..

I have to say Thanksgiving festivities were awesome this year. We had THREE this year!!! (not all in one day)

Wednesday night my hubby and I had a wonderful dinner out with my mom and brother, sister and fiance.

This was in lieu of a "traditional" thanksgiving dinner since there were already so many other plans on Thursday. I am SO thankful that my mom is willing to bend her schedule and create new traditions with us, and for us..

I totally understand that others aren't able to change around thanksgiving meals and cater to jesse and I and that is perfectly fine so please don't think anything of it.

I am just happy we can see (almost) everyone in our crazy thanksgiving whirlwind and am thankful for understanding family.

(there are still others we don't get to see, so we'll just have to plan a post-thanksgiving bash!!)

(my mom isn't really that short, she is sitting on a stool... but my 14 year old brother really IS that tall!!!!! He is actually leaning over! oh where did my "little" brother go???)

Thursday we had lunch with my dad and stepmom's family - where my sister's fiance Jeff was introduced to pretty much all our family. I have to say, I think he was a hit!

Of course I already thought he was great, but it is SO nerve racking meeting family, especially future in-laws, but he made it.... shew!

OH - AND my dogs liked him so that was the big test! :)

Our Second (and final) stop on Thursday was at my husband's grandma's house.. where I take part in the annual coloring of a paper turkey coloring page with his younger cousins (ages 6 & 8)

This year we made it like a "real life" turkey, on a farm. And later we drew a poster of an "alien turkey" on mars! :) Always fun!

SO Yea, Talk about stuffed!!!!

We are totally eating veggies only the rest of the week .. well .. after we eat all the left overs we scored first!! :)

SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR!